Teenagers

Your teen and the law

If your child becomes involved with criminal or antisocial behaviour, here's what might happen.

If your child's under 17, the police must contact you as soon as possible after he or she is brought to a police station.

Officers should not begin to question your child until you're there, unless a delay would put people or property at risk.

Like an adult, a child under arrest has the right to speak to a solicitor in private, free of charge, no matter what the financial circumstances of your family.

This isn't the case with legal aid to pay for a lawyer in any court case that may follow. You'll need to get guidance on whether your child's eligible.

If it's a first offence, and/or relatively minor, it may well be dealt with outside the court system.

If you live in England or Wales, the Youth Justice Board website gives full details of the possibilities. The Youth Justice section of the Scottish Government website has information for parents in Scotland, and parents in Northern Ireland should visit the Youth Justice Agency website.

If charges are brought, your child will almost certainly appear in a youth court. This is often in the same building as the adult magistrates' court, but is usually less formal and not open to the general public or the press.

A defendant under 18 may be sent to an adult magistrates' court if he or she is being tried with an adult.

If the maximum sentence for the alleged crime is more than six months in prison, the magistrates must refer the case on to the Crown Court, regardless of the age of the defendant.

Children under ten cannot be charged as they are below the age of criminal responsibility.
Your teen's behaviour

Caring and guiding a teenager is about finding a balance - too little discipline and you increase the chance of risky behaviour, and if you’re too heavy-handed, they might rebel.

Has your cheerful, sweet-natured child become a surly teenager? It's not unusual but you need to understand why he's behaving in this way. It could be he's trying to shock you, or he can't control himself and has a flood of confusing emotions. Or it may be that when he's with his friends, swearing and rudeness are part of the way they relate to one another.
Dealing with the problem

* Don't ignore the behaviour. You deserve respect and to be spoken to in an acceptable way.
* Talk to your teenager - try to get to the root of the problem.
* Find someone your child trusts - he may be more willing to talk to a family friend, an older sibling or an aunt or uncle.


Changing styles

Many parents are quite controlling with younger children, partly because they have to make most of their decisions for them, but this just won't work with adolescents.

You need to guide your teenager towards adult life and be clear about your limits and boundaries while not enforcing them in an authoritarian way.

Think back to how you felt as a teenager and be tolerant about experimental behaviour.

* Accept you can't control your child with demands, orders and threats.
* Accept your teen is rejecting some of your values and beliefs because he's trying to become an individual.
* Respect his need for privacy and accept he may no longer be prepared to tell you everything.
* Continue to monitor what he does and where he goes - it's not sensible to just let him loose on the world.
* Remember some conflict and battles of will are inevitable.
* State clearly what your boundaries are, but be prepared to review them and negotiate from time to time and gradually loosen the reins.
* Don't use sarcasm or put-downs no matter how tempting.
* As far as possible, allow your teenager to make his own decisions and choices and, occasionally, learn from his mistakes.
* If a rule is deliberately broken, apply fair consequences - a teenager who comes home hours late might have to stay in the next night, but not for the next month.
* When your teenager acts as if he hates you, it's because he's upset and confused, or angry at your attempts to control him.
* Do all you can to stay calm.

Your teen and education

How can we encourage our teens at school without putting them under too much pressure?

Teens are sometimes under a lot of pressure to perform well at school, and this can lead to anxiety and tension.

That's the bad news. The good news is that young people, on the whole, are getting better results year on year.

Year ten (ages 14-15) is seen by many as a watershed. If your teen gets through this year and is still motivated, enthusiastic and working well, she's more than likely to continue doing well.

For others, this is when difficulties and problems emerge.
Switching off

Some teenagers go off specific subjects; others go off school generally. If your child's struggling, you'll need to know exactly what it is she's struggling with.

If the trouble is with specific subjects, it may be she's fallen out with the teacher, is having difficulties with a part of the curriculum, or is just feeling she just can't do it.

Your teen may need help (if you know the subject, that's great; if you don't, there are lots of books available to help you get up to speed), or simply some encouragement.
How to help

If you get on well with your child, talk a lot and still enjoy each other's company, most problems will be relatively easy to overcome.

If, on the other hand, you can't discuss anything contentious without it turning into an argument, you might not be the best person to tackle the problem. Ask for help from someone your child likes and trusts, such as a teacher, relative or neighbour.

This is no time for pride, guilt or torture - the quicker the problem's resolved, the sooner your teenager can get back to her studies and you can stop worrying.
Teenagers who reject school

There are three main reasons why children skip school:

* Something's going on, such as bullying, that makes them reluctant to attend
* They're not coping with their subjects or they're not being stretched enough
* Emotional worries make school seem irrelevant


It's vital to establish the cause and take steps to resolve it before your teen's future is seriously affected.
Exclusion and expulsion

Schools have the right to exclude a young person who's been in serious trouble. In most cases this is for a fixed period, such as three or five days.

The school must always phone parents, then follow up with a letter if a child is to be excluded. Letters should also be sent to the local education authority to explain why the school has enforced the exclusion.

Remember these points:

* Parents have the right to appeal to the head teacher and governors if they don't think exclusion is fair.
* A temporarily excluded child isn't allowed on the school premises and should be given school work to do at home.
* Permanent exclusion - expulsion - is a last resort and is likely to follow a number of fixed exclusions. A discipline committee should meet to discuss the decision. If it agrees to the permanent exclusion, you have 15 days in which to appeal.


Exclusion from school is obviously very serious. Once a teenager is excluded she's more likely to get into further trouble, and this can be difficult to deal with.
Your relationship with your teen

By focusing on the bad side of your teen's behaviour, you could be missing out on all the good...

A lot of the behaviour associated with being a teenager - wanting more freedom, challenging authority and taking risks , trying alcohol or drugs, having relationships and staying out late, are only part of the picture. Many of the negative stereotypes attached to adolescence, such as delinquency and violence, are also quite incorrect.

A few teenagers may behave in this way, but the vast majority don't.
Going through changes

As your teen matures towards adult life, he may have to tackle some of the following:

* Dealing with sexual feelings and his newly maturing body - he's caught between childhood and adulthood
* Learning new life skills - problem solving, decision making, negotiation and conflict resolution, as well as learning to apply a more abstract level of thought
* Working out a system of values and morals based on, but probably different from, your own
* Dealing with friendships and relationships in a mature way
* Working out his adult identity, including a likely period of adopting different identities to see if they fit
* Forming a new adult relationship with you that will be the basis of your future relationship


All the way through the teen years, you'll have to guide your child towards adult life, gradually handing over responsibilities and independence when he shows he can manage them.

Your teen will need clear rules and boundaries about what's considered acceptable, even when he rebels against them.
Living with teenagers

Once your child becomes a teenager, you'll find you have an interesting companion to chat to and share ideas with. You may even discover a new zest for life from the enthusiasm and energy of your teenager - all that optimism can be infectious.

Wise parents learn to respect their children as the adults they'll soon become, while still understanding they may sometimes want to behave in a younger way.

This can be puzzling but, just as in the toddler years, your teen is torn between going all out for independence and swinging back to the familiar security of an earlier age. During stressful times, it can be all too easy to forget that inside your argumentative teenager is your tender child.
Adolescent identity

Throughout his teens, your child is developing his identity. He may lack confidence and worry about his looks, body and the strange feelings and thoughts he's experiencing. This is why teenagers often retreat to their rooms or spend hours in the bathroom.

Remember - he's sorting things out for himself, not rejecting you. For him, growing up involves demonstrating how different he is from the adults around him. He needs to find ways of expressing this difference; he may disagree with everything you say, for example.
You're still needed

Don't forget your teenager still needs you and, underneath it all, cares about your opinions. If you understand and accept that some conflict is inevitable, you'll be better prepared for it.

And remember, living with an older sibling who's struggling with adolescence can be tough, too. It's important not to forget a younger child's needs by getting too caught up in battles with your adolescent.

Don't be upset if your teenager sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - meeting friends outside to avoid them seeing you, or not letting you know about a school event because they don't want you to attend. This is very common and, in spite of it all, they still love you.

Your confidence may be knocked by your child's adolescence, and you might feel unsure about how to deal with many of the problems. You may be deeply upset and uncertain how to react when you see your teen pull away. If you feel it's becoming unbearable, talk with him rather than ignoring his behaviour. And always try to offer emotional support, no matter how difficult it may feel.

Your support is still essential throughout the teenage years and can have a protective effect as your teen moves towards adult life.

Sexual health and your teen

Your teen's developing sexuality can mean a difficult time for you all, and your support and advice is needed to help relationships develop in a safe and mature way.

Generally, girls reach puberty approximately six months to a year earlier than boys.

Each gender has to cope with different experiences. Girls have to come to terms with menstruation and growing breasts, while boys have to cope with wet dreams and emerging beards.

Your teen will need information from you as well as the opportunity to talk about any anxieties they might have. Avoid talking about the changes they're going through in a humorous way; it may not be appreciated by your sensitive teen.
Sexual relationships

While the media may give the impression that teenagers have busy sex lives, the truth's quite different. The majority of young people have sex in a lasting relationship.

Recent figures show that only 25 per cent of young women and 30 per cent of young men under the age of 16 have had sex.

If more adolescents knew this, they'd probably feel less pressured into starting sexual relationships during the early teenage years.
Risky behaviour

There are obvious risks involved in sexual behaviour such as pregnancy or the possibility of your child catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

While fear of HIV/AIDS is less acute than it was during the 1980s, it’s still a risk for anyone who is sexually active. And the incidence of STIs, such as chlamydia and herpes among young people has increased dramatically over the past decade.

* Make sure you know what sex education your teen is getting at school and how to fill in the gaps yourself by providing information and advice on the subjects not covered in these lessons
* Offer to go with your teen to the doctor or sexual health clinic to discuss any issues about contraception if you think this is appropriate
* Make sure they know about STIs and how to stay safe
* Support them as they deal with the emotions of relationships
* Try to accept your teenager may not have the same values as you when it comes to sex, but that such differences are an inevitable part of your child growing up into a healthy adult

Risky behaviour

Some teenagers seem to be determined to take risks. How should you react?

A small minority of teenagers seem almost addicted to taking risks. They may steal cars, drive too fast, destroy property or even cross railway lines to spray graffiti.

Boys are more likely to be involved in these sorts of activities, which are often seen as macho or a passport to adulthood.

If your child's behaving in this way, you need to make it clear you don't condone it and that he must face up to, and be responsible for, his actions. But it's also important to continue to give him your love and support.
Smoking

The first cigarette behind the bike shed is often seen as an introduction to adolescence and many teenagers experiment with smoking. But nicotine is extremely addictive.

How to help your teenager avoid smoking:

* If you smoke, give up - children from non-smoking homes are much less likely to take up the habit
* Explain that it's better never to start smoking as it can lead to addiction
* Remind your teenager how expensive smoking is
* Talk about the dangers to health (although teenagers are often unconcerned about this)
* If your teenager smokes regularly, keep an open discussion going, encouraging him to give up rather than trying to force the issue
* Many people, adults included, take up smoking because they find it relieves stress, so if this is the case with your teen, help him find other ways of relieving stress


Staying out late

Getting teenagers to come home at a reasonable hour can be a major battle, but it's important young people are able to begin making judgements for themselves about what's safe.

It's sensible to know where your teen will be. "I hope you have a great time, leave me a number in case of emergencies" is likely to get a better response than "You're not leaving until I know exactly who you'll be with and where."

If rules are reasonable and explained, most teenagers tend to cooperate. If this doesn't work, it's time to state your boundaries. If they're not met, introduce sanctions such as being grounded.
Drug taking

Taking drugs allows teenagers to get high or to shut out the real world, and many teenagers try something at some point.

Drug addiction is, however, much less common. Teenagers who go on to use hard drugs or become addicted are often lacking something in their lives, perhaps they have an unhappy home situation, overwhelming pressure from school or friends, or low self-esteem.

Many adults rely on alcohol, tranquillisers or antidepressants to help them cope with life's pressures. It's important to think carefully about the pills you pop or the socially acceptable drugs you use regularly. Remember, you lead by example.

Your doctor can put you in touch with local drugs and addiction agencies, for support and advice, if you feel you need more information and help.
Alcohol

Excessive drinking can have devastating consequences for young people.

If your teenager sees you regularly drinking heavily or getting drunk, he may be less likely to be cautious about it himself.

It's most important to stress to teenagers that they should never drink and drive, or take a lift from someone who's been drinking. Remind them how dangerous it is, as well as the fact that it's illegal.

If your teenager comes home drunk, there's no point in creating a scene at the time, it's probably better to make sure he drinks some water and gets to bed safely.

However, it's vitally important to talk to him about it the next day. Don't overreact but explain that sticking to just a couple of drinks means you enjoy the occasion safely.

Your teen also needs to know that someone who has become unconscious or incapable through drink is at grave risk - far more accidental deaths are caused in this way than by drugs. Ensure they know to get help if they are with someone in this state.

Contacting the police or the ambulance service, or getting the victim to A&E without delay is vital.
Heavy drinking

Some teenagers drink very heavily and become dependent on alcohol. If you think your teen is developing an alcohol problem, take it very seriously and get help.
Drug and alcohol abuse

If you think your teenager is abusing drugs or alcohol:

* Talk to your child. Voice your fears and say that you sympathise. Do all you can to encourage him to share information. If he won't talk to you, try to find a relative or close friend he can talk with instead.
* Encourage your teenager to make sensible choices, by stressing the health risks involved rather than laying down the law or giving ultimatums. With drugs, remind him it's illegal behaviour that could lead to arrest and prosecution.
* Build your teenager's self-esteem by concentrating on the positive aspects of his life and keeping communication open. If you feel professional help is necessary, consult your GP or find an appropriate support group.
* Stress your love is unconditional and, even though you may be disappointed in the behaviour, you'll be there to support him no matter what.



Peer pressure

The negative impact of peer pressure can be strong - but are there positive influences on your teenager's life, too?

It's quite normal for teenagers to want to copy their friends - whether it's wearing certain clothes or listening to a particular type of music.

This can be hard for parents, who are used to having the major say in their child's life, but it's natural for young people to want to work out their own ideas, and in this regard, friendships become more important than ever.

For boys, friends act primarily as companions, people with whom they can play football, share a joke, hang out and listen to music. For girls, friends are people with whom they can share secrets and share worries and anxieties.

Many parents find friendships during adolescence worrying because they fear that friends will be a bad influence. But without them it's more difficult to learn about social skills and relationships.

Try to accept the key role that friends play, and find ways of encouraging rather than disapproving of the friends that your child brings home.
Responding to peer pressure

Not all teenagers respond in the same way to peer-group pressure: young people aged 11 to 14 appear to be more influenced by it than older teenagers, for example.

Some teenagers are simply more independent than others and can withstand pressure better. Research indicates that teenagers who receive little support at home are the most likely to be influenced by the peer group.

Parents and older siblings can provide ammunition to help a young person withstand pressure from friends or from the wider peer group.

For example, there may be pressure to engage in sexual behaviour earlier than your teenager wants - but good sex education at school, and strong support from family, can help resist it.

A good friend (or more) is also crucial and can help your teen get things in perspective. In the best of cases they may also be able to stand up together against the peer group; two people can resist pressure much easier than one.

Mental and emotional health in the teenage years

Can you help your teen cope with pressures during these years, and to spot the signs of something 'going wrong'?

Teenagers are more at risk of depression and other forms of mental and emotional difficulties than ever before - research shows that the incidence of mental illness in this age group has risen over the past generation or so, and teens are more at risk of attempted suicide than their parents were at the same age.

Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your child is an important way to ensure you can offer support, and to spot when outside or professional help is needed.

Triggers for stress, leading to anxiety and depression include:

* Exam pressure or other pressure at school
* Relationship difficulties
* Concerns about sexuality
* Bullying
* Worries about their appearance and self-worth


Handling failure

Problems can reveal themselves in eating disorders, suffered by both boys and girls; sleep disturbance; mood swings; lack of communication; a loss of enjoyment in life.

You can suggest to your teen they seek medical advice, but you can't force them to do so. An alternative first step could be to see the school nurse, or even a trusted teacher who might be able to encourage your child to speak to a doctor.

There may be young people's counselling services in your area, or specialist help with specific problems such as an eating disorder. If the heart of the issue lies with bullying or friendship difficulties, or exam pressure, the school should be able to suggest a strategy to help.

Handling failure

Trefor Lloyd

How teenagers react when things don't go according to plan is closely linked with how they deal with emotions generally. There are ways you can help to soften the blow.


Win some, lose some

Some teenagers take failure - whether in sport, exams or relationships - in their stride. Some others sulk for about 20 minutes - a very short-term crisis. However, if your child deals with failure in either way, puberty and becoming a teenager are unlikely to have a dramatic impact on the way they continue to deal with it.

In contrast, however, if your child's misery lasts a day or two, boxes of tissues are used up and doors are slammed a lot more than you'd like, then failure and adolescence are likely to be a combustible combination, and you'll need to help her deal with her emotions before you help her deal with failure effectively.
What's the problem?

Some parents think it's natural for a seven-year-old to get angry and kick out when seemingly small disappointments occur. But unless your child learns another response, she's likely to continue to get angry and kick out at 16, with a higher level of destruction.

Some teens - young men in particular - have a less developed range of emotional expression to call on. They may feel the full range, but have more difficulty with the subtleties.

Embarrassment, irritation and disappointment are more difficult to find an appropriate response to and, for some, anger is the main emotion shown.
Expression and your teen

Your teen may have difficulty identifying what she's feeling. You probably know when she's a bit upset, tired or irritated.

While feelings are natural, you might have to help your teen articulate them. Asking: "Are you a bit upset?" may help you both to identify the type and the extent of her feelings, and to find appropriate responses.

However, there are alternatives. Some young people - boys in particular - find rigorous activity, such as sport, allows them to 'cleanse' themselves of emotion. Others may walk the dog, fish or climb, which again allows them to chew over events, situations and disappointments. If this works, then the ability to articulate emotions is still useful, but less essential.

Reassure your teen your love and support does not depend on exam grades. If your teenagers don't get the grades they expected, help them to keep it in perspective - everyone has some setbacks in life, whether it's failing a driving test or an exam. They can always do resits. Reassure them you're behind them 100 per cent, and help them to review all the options.

Communication with your teen

Many parents are baffled when their cheerful, chatty child turns into a silent or argumentative teenager. Just how do you keep the conversation going?

Your teen has a growing need for privacy. He may find his thoughts and feelings confusing, so it's hardly surprising he wants to keep things to himself. He's sorting things out in his own mind, not rejecting you.

To a teenager, it seems that adults always find the right words. He may feel unable to do this, so when he appears sullen, it may be that he lacks confidence to express things in the right way.

Don't be upset if your child sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - this is very common and doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Effective communication

There are things you can do to make communication easier:

* Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.
* Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.
* Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.
* Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"
* Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.
* Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.
* Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.
* It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think you can tidy it up?"
* Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.
* Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.
* Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.


Things to avoid:

* Don't score points - like all of us, teenagers don't like being put down.
* Don't try to impose your ideas - he'll inevitably reject what you have to offer.
* Don't make snap judgements - listen to your teen before you jump to conclusions.


If there are really difficult issues you feel you have to talk about, such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour, it's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm. Using "I" statements always helps. Say, "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school."

Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to his side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and to be clear if there are any aspects of his behaviour you want him to change.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.


Career choices and your teen

The world's changing fast - the majority of young people will be in school until they're at least 18, there are no jobs for life and your child may change career several times. How can you help?

Time to go out into the big, bad world

Although career choices are important for some young people, they're not a matter of life and death.

In fact, most people don't get into a settled career until their mid-20s. If your child plans to be a doctor, lawyer or other professional, it's a long haul - as it always has been. For others, though, the route is likely to be much less predictable.

But before your child starts a career, they'll probably have further and higher education to consider.

Higher education costs money, which probably means a student loan, and students increasingly take part-time, often poorly-paid jobs to generate more cash.

In terms of post-university work, employers are increasingly looking for experience as well as academic qualifications. It's as important to build a body of experience as it is to make good career choices.
Implications for you

If your child doesn't seem to have any concrete future plans, here are some ideas you might find helpful:

* Don't worry yet - accept your child's career may be less predictable than your own.
* Inform yourself about the workplace - buy and read a careers book or talk to people in their early and mid-20s about their experiences.
* Support your child to learn to adapt to a changing world - your teen will need these skills to negotiate her working life, whichever career she chooses.
* Accept some people take longer than others to choose a career - some know at 11, others not until their mid-20s.
* Explore local professional careers services, within and outside of school and offer to go with your teen to seek advice.


This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.



Bullying

Bullying includes:

* Teasing and name-calling
* Spreading nasty rumours
* Abusive or threatening texts or emails, or posts (and even websites) on the internet
* Intimidation and violence


There are often differences of interpretation with some of this behaviour - what's considered gentle teasing by one child might appear as intimidation to another.
The effects of bullying

There's no doubt that for some children and young people, bullying - however defined - is the most stressful experience of their lives.

Some fear it so much they refuse to go to school or find excuses to avoid situations where bullying can occur.

At the most extreme level, bullying can on rare occasions lead to suicide or attempted suicide, so it must always be taken seriously.

Of course, children have to learnt to accept and even ignore a certain level of teasing, and parents need to provide support so the child can deal with this. But physical threats or continual taunting is distressing and should never be tolerated.
The victim

Some young people are more likely to be the victims of bullying than others. Those with an obvious physical characteristic, such as being overweight, can become targets, as can those with some form of disability. Those who are shy or diffident, or who find it hard to stand up for themselves, may also be vulnerable. Children who are gay or bi-sexual, or uncertain of their sexuality, or who are thought to be gay or bi-sexual by their peers, can suffer like this.

Victims of bullying often feel ashamed of what's happening and blame themselves. It's here that friends and important adults have a key role to play - bullying victims need support to see that it's not their fault and that something can be done to help them.
The bully

When bullying happens, most of the attention is focused on the victim. But we need to pay attention to the bully, too. Not all bullies are the same - research has shown there are differences between the ringleaders, the 'henchmen' and the silent observers, for example.

Bullies are often people who've been bullied or abused themselves, and may be vulnerable and angry. A lot can be done to help them deal with their pain and avoid taking it out on others.
Not all bullying happens at school

Most people assume that bullying happens exclusively at school, but it can happen elsewhere, such as online and sometimes at home, possibly by an older sibling.
What you can do

Adults can do an enormous amount to help, although sometimes it can be difficult to see how to proceed.

If your child is showing signs of stress and you aren't sure what's going on, bullying may be one possible cause.

All schools are required to have an anti-bullying strategy. As a parent, you can find out if this is working. If it isn't, get support from other parents to insist it does.

If you do find your child is being bullied, offer help but be sensitive - simply rushing to the school and demanding action isn't necessarily the best tactic. Young people are often anxious about any move a parent might make, and fear reprisals from the bullies if action is taken by the school.

The best thing to do is talk things over with your child and plan a strategy they're happy with. This may involve getting support from friends or other parents, a quiet talk with a trusted teacher or even thinking about changing schools.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.