Pre Teens

Developmental stages

Your ability to adapt and change will be tested in the coming years as your child starts the transition to adolescence and adulthood. You may find your values rejected, and your authority challenged.

It's all about to change

Physical changes will affect your child in these years as pubic hair appears. Growth spurts can leave your child feeling gangly and awkward. Your daughter's breasts will begin to develop and she'll probably begin her periods sometime between the ages of 11 and 13.

The arrival of spots can send your pre-teen into a spin as he worries about being attractive to others. Strong sexual feelings may surface and privacy will become increasingly important. Your son may be experiencing unwanted, embarrassing erections.

Over these years your child will become much more interested in the opinions and friendship of others outside the home. Your views will start to be rejected. This is a necessary part of growing up as your child becomes his own person with ideas and values separate from the family.

Your child's learning will focus on changes in thinking and awareness of social and moral values. You may notice your pre-teen is interested in talking about issues reported on the news, particularly where inequalities or hardship is the subject. Your child will want you to take their new-found views seriously.

Your word will no longer be law and you may find yourself engaged in long debates as house rules and limits are renegotiated. You'll benefit from having regular family meetings where each of you can bring up everyday issues.

Your child will be needing just over nine hours sleep each night by the time he is 13 years old.*

The information provided should be used as a guide only. Children develop at different stages, but if you're concerned, contact your doctor or health professional.

*Source: Ferber, R (1985) Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, Dorling Kindersley.
Growing independence

Eileen Hayes

As your child grows into a teenager, he'll want greater independence and privacy.

You'll notice your child is working towards more independence from your family. He'll make more of his own decisions - from simple things such as the clothes he wears, to the sports, clubs and hobbies he's interested in. Your child's room will become his haven and his personal interests will show clearly in the posters on the wall, stickers on the wardrobe and the music blaring from the CD player.

Your child may also begin to keep a diary to record the ups and downs of his friendships and, eventually, the start of more intense and intimate relationships. Privacy becomes very important as your child moves through the pre-teen years.
Golden rules

* Respect your child's privacy - knock and wait before going into his room.
* Never read your child's diary, emails, post or eavesdrop on phone conversations.
* Try not to tidy your child's room, unless there's a health hazard!
* Support your child's choices as much as you can - remember when you had fashion disasters or a bad haircut.
* Stick to your guns on issues important to your family. Today's fashions for body piercing and tattoos could be a source of conflict. It's worth thinking through your standpoint before controversial subjects are raised, for example.
* Take your child's problems and dilemmas seriously. You may feel your pre-teen's latest worry is trivial, but to him it's a matter of life and death, so listen and answer carefully. Don't tell your child's worries to other people without his permission. Trust can be broken easily and takes enormous effort to rebuild.


As your child reaches his teenage years, your dilemma will be how much independence to give him. Common questions arise, such as at what age can your child stay home on his own, when can he care for younger brothers and sisters or babysit?

There are no hard and fast answers to these questions - much depends upon the maturity of your 13-year-old.

Remember, you're responsible for your child's supervision. If you have any doubt about how your teenager would react in an emergency or cope without you for even a short time, don't leave him without adult supervision.
Becoming an embarrassment

You can expect to become an embarrassment to your child starting sometime between his ninth and 13th birthday.

You may be asked to drop your child off round the corner from friends and he may begin to try to change how you look so you don't stand out from other parents.

Don't take this personally. Pre-teens react this way because they're trying to appear independent yet still have to rely on you for all sorts of things - permission to go out, transport, pocket money and so on. This tension can result in your child needing you but wishing he didn't.

When he reaches adulthood you'll laugh together about these experiences, so try to take them in your stride while you're in the middle of them.

Becoming independent is the work of your pre-teen and teenage child, but despite his mixed feelings about you, he still needs your love and support with no strings attached. He may not be too keen on a hug these days, but will still appreciate your interest and your love.

Your child and homework

Keeping up with your child's studies may be one of your biggest challenges in the pre-teen years. Here are some hints.

Homework

You'll probably find out most information about your child's subjects through the homework given to him by his teachers.

Schools vary tremendously in the amount of homework they give. The Department for Children, Schools and Families has guidelines for the time your child should spend on homework. From the ages of nine to 11, the department recommends 30 minutes per day and between the ages of 11 and 13, it recommends 45 to 90 minutes per day.

Homework can be a cause of stress between you and your child. Here are some ideas to help your child get through his homework with minimum fuss and maximum benefit:

* Get ready - your child will need a break between school and homework, so give him a short time to relax and have something to eat and drink before he settles back to work.
* Make room - homework takes concentration and quiet, so set up a special place for study. It needs to be well lit, warm, not too noisy and have a table - work is often marked for neatness and a steady surface helps with writing and drawing. TV can be very distracting - he'll learn better if the TV is kept off during homework sessions.
* Show your interest - he'll be encouraged by your attention, so long as you're not looking over his shoulder correcting his every move.
* Make homework rewarding - set up some treats for when homework is done. It could be an activity with you, having a friend round or some time on computer games.
* Catch up on the subjects your child is studying - you'll probably remember some information from your own time at school but many subjects have changed, and it may help to get some tips from the teachers to help you learn alongside your children.
* Don't do the homework yourself - your child could come to rely on you for all the answers.


Exams and tests

You and your child will be faced with plenty of tests and formal examinations in the years to come. Setting up a revision routine and a calm approach to exams will make these stressful times easier on both of you.

* Make a revision timetable - this will help your child share out time between each subject.


Find a balance between hard work and pleasure - make sure your child takes time to relax, meet with friends and get some fresh air. He should give his brain a rest the evening before a test - take a break from studying and get a good night's sleep. If exam anxiety is a problem, make sure your child knows he can talk to you, or another supportive adult such as a teacher or school nurse.
Communicating with your pre-teen

Communicating builds their self-esteem and confidence, and makes the most of your relationship.

At every age children need their parents to understand how they're feeling. It's your job to make your child feel that she can talk to you about anything going on in her life. You achieve this by listening properly and not leaping in with your own judgements or constantly blaming your child.

Setting up good communication now gives you a head start for the upcoming teen years, when it will become even harder and the topics even more tricky and complicated. Unless you use the pre-teen years to open the discussion on moral issues, sex, drugs, and so on, the teen years are likely to be an endless power struggle. It's also becoming impossible to use the controlling methods that may have worked when she was younger, so effective communication is essential to gain cooperation.
Key principles for good communication

* Communication should be open-ended, not closed. For example: "Tell me about how the school trip went" rather than "Did you enjoy the school trip?"
* It must be a two-way thing. It's not just about you telling your child something or giving advice, but rather listening to her viewpoint and accepting her emotions.
* Reflective listening is the most effective way of communicating with this age group. Recognise, respect and acknowledge your child's views and worries. Look for the emotional meaning that often lies behind words, identify the feeling and feed it back. Say something such as: "So you must have felt angry when that happened." You can also reflect back the content of what your child is saying to clarify points: "You mean your teacher will be leaving at the end of term?"


Are you listening?

Talking is only part of the communication process. Listening is an important skill too.

* Stop what you're doing and give your full attention to your child.
* Make eye-contact.
* Don't interrupt too quickly.
* Give prompts - nodding, smiling, saying "mmms".
* Make it clear that you're always willing to give a sympathetic hearing, whether it's about a falling out with a friend, a failure to make the football team, or disappointing marks in an exam. Stress that making mistakes is the way to learn how to get things right, not just about failure.


Parents often fall into the trap of using communication with pre-teens mainly to give orders or start lecturing a child about shortcomings. They use phrases like: "I told you, you shouldn't do that" or "You should have listened to me." When parents use every opportunity to score points or blame a child in this way, children feel that they can never measure up.

If pre-teens feel all their attempts at communication end up with the same lecture from parents, they'll soon decide that there's no point in trying.
Key tips for communicating well

* If you really don't have time to listen, explain by saying something like: "I'm busy right now, but come back in half an hour and we can talk about it properly."
* Respect the growing need for some privacy with pre-teens. They want to take on more independence, and may not want to tell you everything.
* Gradually loosen the reins, and consider it carefully when your pre-teen tells you that peers are allowed certain privileges that they don't have - staying up later, extra TV or more pocket money - it may be time to review your family rules.
* If you have to overrule your child, do it in a way that respects her right to have her own views, but explain that until she's more mature, there are some decisions you must make for her.
* This is the age to teach about the importance of respecting differences in others, when your child becomes more aware of what goes on in the world outside. Explain that we shouldn't make judgements about other people when we may not have all the facts. Help your child to keep an open mind about other people and their beliefs.
* Talk to your pre-teen about how you feel. "I'm tired from a long day at work" or "I'm excited about the holidays" encourages open communication about her feelings. But never burden her with adult problems, such as relationship or money worries. You shouldn't be seeking emotional support from your child.
* Remember the importance of non-verbal communication. Watch out for when a child seems upset or looks sad. Say: "You seem upset - do you want to tell me about it?"
* Encourage your child to talk in a positive way about herself - for example: "I'm getting better at maths" rather than "I'm useless at maths."
* Guard against the use of sarcasm and put-downs such as "You're stupid" or "How could you do that?" Constantly belittling a pre-teen destroys confidence. Say things such as: "Yes, I see what you mean" or "You do have a point, but... "
* Try to give your pre-teen a 'can-do' attitude as at this age confidence in her own abilities can begin to falter and she can become more aware of shortcomings, or not being as good as others at certain subjects or sports.

Bullying and the school-age child

Even though everyone agrees bullying is not OK, it can still happen, and your child may be bullied or even be a bully at some time.

There are three ways children can be bullied:

* Physical bullying - when your child is hit, pushed, has hair pulled and so on.
* Verbal bullying - name calling, racist and sexist comments, foul language and unkind jokes, for example, about weight. This is the most frequent type of bullying and very common for children aged nine to 13. Verbal bullying isn't teasing - teasing happens when both the teaser and child are having fun.
* Relational bullying - being left out or having nasty gossip passed around about you. Young teenagers especially can suffer from this type of bullying.


Recognising bullying

There are a few signs that may indicate your child is being bullied. Has their behaviour changed? Do they refuse to go to school or have unexplained tummy aches or headaches? Have they lost confidence recently, or seem to be generally low?

If you notice any of these signs, or your child tells you about bullying, there are some steps you can take.

* Take bullying seriously. You may be tempted to think your child is being over-sensitive, over-reacting or simply wanting extra attention, but telling you about bullying was a big step and took lots of courage.
* Talk together about how to sort the problem out. If the bullying happened at school, a club or other organisation, your first step is to alert staff to the problem. Ask your child to tell a trusted adult straight away when bullying happens. Make sure your child warns the bully she's going to do this.
* You could find a special listener for your child, such as a playground assistant or school secretary who's around everyday to support your child.
* Your child's school will have a policy about bullying, which should help you.
* Avoid fighting back. The problem may well get bigger if you become angry with the other child or their parent, or if your child attacks the other child in return.


Avoiding bullying

Being bullied is never your child's fault, but there are some things she or he can do to make being bullied less likely.

* Act confident - teach your child to imagine walking tall and to look people in the eye.
* Make a point of finding friends - ask other children round to your house, join sports or organised clubs where your child will meet others interested in the same things.
* Hang around with friends - when adults aren't around, your child should stick together with friends. A bully probably won't approach when their victim is in a group.
* Tell your child you love and respect him or her - when you listen to them you build up their confidence, self-esteem and trust in you.


What to do if your child is a bully

If your child bullies, you may react with shock, shame or even anger. You may wonder what you can do to sort this out.

* Let your child know that bullying is not OK. Be clear about what you mean by bullying behaviour. Work together with others involved such as teachers and parents to make sure the bullying stops.
* Let your child know how she or he should treat other people. You are your child's best teacher, so set an example through your own behaviour. Let your child see you be kind, speak well of others, solve problems without getting angry, be accepting of differences between people such as race, religion, attitudes and so on.
* Help your child understand how other children and adults feel. Talk about feelings and ask questions such as: "How did you feel when...?" and "How do you think I felt after...?"


Spend more time with your child. Sometimes children bully because of their own sadness and anger, or after being bullied themselves. When you get closer to your child, you may find they'll share the worries behind the bullying behaviour.

Starting secondary school

Eileen Hayes

Be prepared for some insecurity when your child starts secondary school - it's a big step!

Moving on up

Your child has been used to the relatively small, secure environment of primary school, where he's become a large fish in a small pond. Suddenly he's got to adjust to the large, much less personal world that is secondary school.

You too may find this a difficult time, as it brings home the fact that he's moving on to a new stage in his growth that will end in adulthood. You may worry about which school he's going to, how he'll get there, and whether he can cope with new friends, new subjects and all the other pressures.

* Make every effort not to pass on your anxiety to your child. Be positive and up-beat about the change.
* If your child expresses worries, show you're sympathetic, but remind him that all the new children will be feeling the same.
* For the first week or so, try to arrange for at least one parent to see him off in the morning and be there when he gets home.
* Most primary schools arrange visits to secondary schools; if yours doesn't, arrange one yourself before the new school term begins.
* Make sure all necessary uniform, physical education (PE) kit and equipment is sorted out so your child doesn't start at a disadvantage.
* Make sure your child is fully aware of road safety issues, to ensure they're safe during the journey into school.
* Be prepared for some insecurity in the beginning. Regression to more childish behaviour, tears and tempers, or feeling ill and unable to go to school are all common.
* Keep a careful eye on things while he's settling in. Chat often about the work and the new subjects, and take an interest in homework and new friendships.
* Check out what pastoral care the school provides, so you can be reassured that your child's problems will be taken seriously and dealt with effectively.
* Homework needs to be taken more seriously. Make sure your child has a quiet place to work undisturbed by others. Some children like to get it done and out of the way as soon as they come home, others need a break to unwind before going back to it. Your child needs to learn to work in his own way and organise his own time, so don't interfere too much unless the work isn't getting done.


Trouble adjusting

Occasionally children find the transfer to secondary just too much and begin to show real dislike for school. When this happens it's important to talk to your child and the school to find out what's going on and what can be done to help the situation.

Your child may be finding the work overwhelming or even boring, or he might be finding it hard to make new friends. It's important to tackle this early, as some children end up playing truant or refusing to attend school if the problem's not resolved. Remember your support and confidence in your child will help him thrive and make the move to secondary school go more smoothly.

Adolescence and your relationship

Claire Halsey

Making the transition from child to adolescent may be challenging and difficult. The guide book changes with puberty!

Mood swings and independence

Until now, your child may have been reasonably happy for you to make most of the major decisions in her life. But as she grows, so she develops a strong will of her own. It can feel hurtful when an amenable, friendly child suddenly becomes moody and snaps at you over the slightest thing.

Some parents find these changes harder than others to deal with. However, some parents prefer having young people to talk to and spend time with. For the adolescent, it's an experimental time, working out what sort of teenager and young person she's eventually going to become.
When does it all begin?

Puberty, or the start of adolescence, is now taking place earlier than in previous generations, and is earlier in girls than boys. The average is 12 to 14 years for girls and 13 to 15 for boys. By the end of primary school, several girls in a class will probably have begun menstruation.

The physical signs of puberty include:

* A growth spurt
* Becoming more clumsy
* Growth of body hair and an increase in sweat production
* For girls, breasts develop and periods begin
* A boy's voice may become more husky as a prelude to it breaking in a year or two


Emotional signs include:

* Moodiness and rapid changes of temperament
* Strong feelings about many different things (embarrassment, love, hate)
* Worry over appearance, especially the unfamiliar body changes
* Becoming much more idealistic and aware of external issues
* Sensitivity over body appearance - never tease your adolescent over spots, body shape and other physical changes


You may not be able to simply reassure your adolescent that she looks fine. It's important to show you understand her concerns, while still giving a positive view of the matter: "I can understand you're worried about people noticing that spot. It isn't likely, but I can get you something to camouflage or put on it if you like."

It's important to respect your adolescent's need to try out different ideas, and not to constantly put her down. It can avoid many arguments and rows if you can concede, while still making it clear what your own views are: "Yes, I see your point, but what I believe is..." not simply, "That's ridiculous, how can you possibly think like that?"
Peer pressure

From around the time a child transfers to secondary school at about 11 or 12, the influence of friends often begins to take on greater importance than that of parents. The clothes they wear, the school bags they carry, the music and films they like must all be slavishly copied. This is extremely important for adolescents - nothing is more vital to them than feeling that they belong and are accepted by their peers.

The wise parent goes along with this as far as possible. Your child will be making all her own choices as an adult soon enough, and there's no sense in huge disputes and rows if she wants to start now.

This is still the time to shop together, but allow your child some say over what she likes and dislikes - don't just impose your own tastes.
Sexuality and your adolescent

It's essential to teach about menstruation, conception and sexual relations in a matter-of-fact way. It can be much harder to talk about sexual feelings, the emotions involved and the responsibility.

* Discuss sexual matters - use informal opportunities as they crop up, and always respond honestly and appropriately to your child's questions. Try to use other cues, like a mention on TV, to bring in difficult topics such as masturbation or protecting yourself from abuse. Children gradually become more self-conscious with age, so the earlier you do all this, the better.
* Talk about love - use everyday events in the family such as a wedding, or a baby's birth, to discuss love and responsibility to others.
* Don't laugh at 'crushes' - it's very common for youngsters to develop a crush on a celebrity and have posters plastered all over their walls. Your child may also develop a strong emotional attachment to a real friend and it's wrong to make fun of this.
* Show you trust your child to behave responsibly in sexual matters - this should act as an incentive for your child to live up to your expectations. Constant prying or suspicion will have the opposite effect.
* Don't panic - you may find your child tells dirty jokes, draws or looks at pictures of naked bodies or even indulges in some sex play with friends. This is all quite normal.
* Respect your adolescent's growing need for privacy - she'll probably become very self-conscious about nakedness.
* Give clear information about the behaviour that's appropriate in any sexual situations - stress that her body is private and no one has the right to do anything unwanted or to make her feel uncomfortable. Giving your child this information means that she'll be less vulnerable to abuse.


Early adolescence problems

Some adolescents become very shy, even though they may not have been like this as younger children. They may appear to be doing well at school, but spend all their time studying at the expense of developing friendships. Try to boost confidence and make it clear friends are welcome to come round - but many children just need time to work through this stage.

Your adolescent may refuse to do something that seems like very little effort. She won't hang up a coat instead of dropping it in the hallway, she won't write a thank-you note to a grandparent, however often you ask.

The emotional effort required can just seem like too much effort to your child. Also, much like a toddler, your child has become very aware of her increased independence and widening range of choices. She says "no" simply because she can.

The secret is to accept that you have to give up control over your child. It's no longer desirable, or possible to order her to do things - you'll only create battles and even more resistance. Hopefully, if you don't force battles, she'll eventually realise that being cooperative isn't a threat to her independence.

Many parents find untidiness one of the most irritating things about adolescents.

Towels are casually dropped on the floor, schoolbooks are left on the kitchen table, and rooms look as if a bomb has hit them. The only solution is to allow your child to experience natural consequences - if she never puts clothes in the wash basket, sooner or later she'll have nothing clean to wear. If she never tidies her room, there'll come a point where she feels so frustrated at not being able to find things that she has a massive clear-up. You need to accept that a young person has the right to deal with their own room in their own way. If you give an example of keeping things well organised and tidy, the chances are your adolescent will eventually do the same. Adults often have a double standard, accepting a level of chaos in their own room or desk, nagging a child to keep to an unrealistic level of tidiness.

These years are the beginning of the teens when you have to learn to let go, to allow your child privacy and space and the right to learn by her own mistakes.