Primary School Children

Friendships

Eileen Hayes

Friends are a very important part of your school age child's life.

Friendships can be a wonderful source of strength emotionally for children, and help their developing self-confidence.

After the age of nine or so, many children have a 'best friend' and may form intense, longer-lasting friendships on the basis of a variety of shared interests and things in common.

Your child may be happy with just one friend, or be extremely popular with a large circle of friends. Alternatively, he may seem perfectly content on his own - sometimes because he has interests that are different from most other children his age, whether older or younger.

If he's happy with the situation, that's fine. You only need to worry if he seems upset about rejection by friends.
What if your child has trouble making friends?

This can cause enormous anxiety. It's right to worry if your child seems upset by a constant lack of friends. This can mean they're more vulnerable - not just to loneliness and low self-esteem - but to later problems such as lower academic achievement, or even eating disorders and depression.

Shyness or aggression can prevent children from making friends, but there are children who are neither and who just seem to be loners.

Not all of these children are troubled by it, so it's important not to overreact. While the vast majority of children do rely heavily on their friendships, there are some who seem quite happy without this, and many grow into resourceful, creative adults.
Tips

* Encourage your child - talk to him about friendships, share memories of your childhood friends and ask your child's views about his.
* Teach social skills and sociable behaviour - explain to your child how to understand non-verbal and verbal cues, for example, someone smiling at him or making a jokey remark. Your child may be misinterpreting these and miss opportunities to make friends. Your child may overreact to teasing, or pressure others to play when they've said "no". You can even use role play to show your child, for example, how to make eye contact and to smile to show he's friendly. Your child could also practise saying something like: "Hello I am Sam, would you like to play?"
* Teach basic social rules - not to snatch things, or hit others and how to share and co-operate, and ensure your own behaviour gives a good example.
* Make your child's friends welcome in your home - don't judge your child's choices too harshly or force him to play with children you choose.
* Make an effort to talk to other parents at school - this encourages children to get to know each other.
* Find local activities, where your child will have opportunities to make friends outside of school, such as cubs, a drama group or swimming lessons.
* Show love - this is invaluable as it helps bolster your child's confidence, even if there are occasional friendship difficulties. Never show up your child or tell him off in front of friends.
* Try not to interfere too much in matters connected with your child's friendships and social life - he should have the chance to sort these out in his own way whenever possible.


Bad company

You may worry about your child getting in with a 'bad' crowd or making 'unsuitable' friends. This can be quite tricky because any moves you make to ban such friendships usually only make a child more determined to carry on with them. It's better to allow the friendship and to keep an eye on things, especially when in your own home. You can stress they must stick to your house rules - for example, no swearing or hitting.
Safety advice

* Don't let your child go off alone unsupervised - especially with a friend you feel uncomfortable about.
* Be wary of groups you don't feel happy about - boys especially can be led on into much worse behaviour when a 'gang' is egging them on.


Make sure you always know where your child is - have clear rules that they must come and tell you before moving on somewhere else.

Moods, stress and depression

Claire Halsey

Young children can be affected by stress, have sad moods and can suffer from depression, too.

Some estimates are that up to ten per cent of children in middle childhood may suffer from depression.

Common causes include:

* Arguments between parents or parents splitting up
* Falling out with friends
* Being teased too much
* Being overwhelmed with work or homework
* School tests
* Holidays


The last item in this list - holidays - may be unexpected. It's not only unpleasant events, but also some happy ones, that can be stressful to a vulnerable child.

Some children just seem to have a more happy-go-lucky temperament, and deal with most situations appropriately. They can get readily over disappointments and setbacks, and happily go back to dealing with life's challenges. Others find this more difficult - they may become withdrawn emotionally, or completely overreact to events.
Help your child manage stress

* Build self-esteem and confidence - show lots of love and affection.
* Keep your children up to date - it's vital for you to keep children informed about what's happening in the family and what's likely to be coming up. Children can become bewildered at what's happening around them.
* Look ahead - anticipate incidents that might be stressful for your child and help them as much as possible to prepare for these, such as returning to school after the holidays, exams, or even a holiday. Talk well in advance about the event and any worries your child might have. This can really help to cut down anxiety.
* Keep an eye on your child for signs that he's finding things too much - be alert to any sudden changes in behaviour, becoming more aggressive, not sleeping, or changes in diet such as overeating, or appearing to eat nothing. Do all you can to help at an early stage so that matters don't get worse.
* Talk and listen - encourage your child to describe how he feels. Use reflective listening to check out what you're hearing, for example: "So you're saying you feel upset when you have too much homework." It's not necessary to solve every problem, but just talking things out can really help.
* Be realistic - don't have such high expectations for your child that he's completely stressed trying to live up to them.
* Involve your child - get him to help think up solutions to problems. This gives him a sense that he can make a difference and that things aren't hopeless.
* Use distraction tactics - a day out having fun at a theme park can make a child forget he's upset over a falling out with a friend, or joining a new drama group can soften the blow of not making it onto the swimming team.
* Encourage independence - achieving things on your own always gives a boost, so you should try not to over-protect your school age child.


Just letting your child play more with other children can often help him to get things in perspective.
Tips to avoid stress

* Don't put too much pressure on your child to achieve - giving the message that he must do well in tests, or must get into a particular school can create too much stress for some children.
* Make your own behaviour an example of how to handle stressful situations - if you can show that you don't fall apart when things go wrong, this teaches a useful lesson. If you freak out when the car won't start, or when the toast burns, this gives a message that it's all too much.
* Make sure your child has enough time to chill out - allow time to play, read or watch some TV. Rushing from school to music lessons or a tutor leaves no time to unwind and relax.
* Slow the pace of life down - you may have become used to rushing around, but your child needs more time to adjust to changes and to take things at his own pace.
* Don't forget or ignore your child in times of crisis or family change - it's hard for children to imagine what will happen next, and they need you to explain situations patiently to them.
* It can really help to lower the emotional temperature at home - if everybody is constantly yelling, rushing around and generally creating a stressful atmosphere, this is almost bound to rub off on children.
* Simple relaxation exercises can help some children - breathing deeply, and going floppy. You could even give your child a relaxing massage.
* Make sure your child gets enough exercise - set aside enough chances for your child to run around in the fresh air and balance this with making sure he also gets enough relaxing, regular sleep.


Of course, sometimes children have to deal with far more serious problems, such as serious illness, parents divorcing, or even the death of a parent. They'll always need help and support from the important adults in their lives at times of major change.

Children often blame themselves for events over which they have no possible control. Just emphasising there's no way they could have influenced things can be a great relief.

If your child seems very depressed, or worrying symptoms carry on for more than a month, it may be best to consider seeking professional help - you could ask your doctor in the first instance.


Confidence building

A child with good self-esteem has the confidence to try new things and make friends, and has stronger relationships with you and others.

School life and friends may give confidence a knock.

Help give your child a boost with these ideas:

* Believe in your child and show it - let her know she's a worthwhile, lovable individual.
* Give praise and positive feedback - your child measures her worth and achievements by what you think of her. "Well done, that was hard, and you managed it" is music to young ears. Reassure your child that it's OK to make mistakes and that it's all part of growing up.
* Practise active, reflective listening - listen carefully, repeat what you've heard to make sure you understand and give positive prompts to encourage your child to continue.
* Acknowledge your child's feelings - and help her express them verbally.
* Criticise behaviour, not your child - it's very easy to fall into this trap, but too much criticism tells your child she's a bad person and is causing things to happen because of her own stupidity. This is very damaging if it goes on for a long time. Be clear that it's an action you're angry about or behaviour you don't like.
* Respect your child's interests, even if they seem boring to you - take a genuine interest in your child's friends, and what's happening at school, and comment to show you're listening.
* Accept any fears or insecurities your child expresses as genuine - even if they seem trivial to you, don't just brush them aside. If your child says, "I'm useless at maths" say "You're obviously finding maths a struggle, how can I help you?".
* Encourage independence - encourage your child to take chances and try new things. Succeeding gives a huge boost to confidence, and sometimes your child will need to learn by her mistakes.
* Laugh with your child - never at her.
* Focus on your child's successes - swimming, music, whatever she can succeed at.


Are you helping or hindering?

You've warned your child she shouldn't walk across the carpet carrying a cup full of milk and her dinner. She does it anyway, but trips and spills it. It's tempting to say: "Now look what you've done. I told you that you couldn't do it."

Comments such as this make your child feel even worse than she does already for failing at something. Instead, try to give support by saying something like: "Oh no, you tried, but it didn't work. Never mind. Next time you could carry them one at a time."

It's not only the critical things said directly to your children that can undermine confidence. If your child overhears you tell someone that "she's got two left feet" or "she's so clumsy" they might think you really believe this and feel it can't be changed.

Things you say about yourself can damage your child's self-esteem. Children learn a great deal from copying adults close to them. If you overreact to situations or pressure, your child may worry you really can't handle life's challenges. This won't set your child an example of a positive, optimistic attitude to life and how to handle problems.

Think before you speak and choose your words with care - it's very easy to say something without thinking, and then wish you hadn't. "You're so clumsy" or "Don't be stupid" can be said in an irritated moment when the cereal is spilled or an innocent question is asked. Too many negative remarks like this can result in children believing they're useless or stupid.

All the following can damage a child's confidence:

* Saying you don't love them
* Saying you wish they'd never been born
* Insults or unkind remarks
* Deliberately ridiculing things your child does or feels
* Cruel teasing and sarcasm
* Endless nagging
* Aggressive shouting and swearing