Baby

Nappies
Aquatopia Deluxe Safety Easy Bath Kneeler




Heather Welford

Nappy changing doesn't have to be a chore. It's not always quick or clean, but it's an opportunity for eye contact and chats with your baby, as well as part of essential care.
In this article
Nappy days are here

How to change your baby

Reusable vs disposable

Nappy days are here

As a rough guide, change your baby's nappy about as often as you feed him. If your baby is feeding very often, you don't need to change him every time, as small feeds don't generally warrant a nappy change.

The point of changing your baby's nappy is to protect his skin, which can become sore if it's allowed to stay in contact with wee or poo. So if you know your baby has had a poo, you'll want to change him as soon as you can, especially if his bottom is already a bit red or sore.
How to change your baby

* Lie your baby on his back - on any clean, safe (not high) warm surface
* Take off the used nappy and place out of reach
* Gently wipe your baby's nappy area using a baby wipe, or warm water with cloth or cotton wool
* Dry the area (not necessary if you've used a wipe)
* Lift your baby's legs up and place the clean nappy underneath his bottom
* If you're using a disposable, the edge with the tapes should be at the top about level with your baby's waist, and the absorbent side of the nappy should go against his skin
* If you're using a cloth nappy, the widest part should go under your baby's waist
* Bring the bottom edge of the nappy up between your baby's legs
* To adjust the fit, stick the tapes on the underneath side to the front of the nappy or use grips or pins to fasten a cloth nappy
* You may want to use a baby barrier cream to help prevent nappy rash - ask your midwife or health visitor about this


Reusable vs disposable
Reusable cloth nappies

These come as foldable, traditional terry towelling squares, which you then pin or clip to hold them on, or else pre-shaped nappies, which usually use built-in fastenings so there's no need for folding or pinning.

'Real' nappies come in a range of style and colours.

The preshaped ones tend to take longer to dry after washing, whereas the terry towelling ones unfold and dry quite quickly. Your baby may need to wear waterproof pants over the nappy to stop leakage through to his clothes.

The initial outlay can seem expensive, but this is considerably less than the cumulative cost of disposables over two-and-a-half years.

It's also kinder to the environment to opt for resuables - even when you factor in the washing. Once you've bought them, they can do for more than one child, and not having to buy nappies makes a real difference to the bulk of your weekly shop.
Disposable nappies

There are several brands that are constantly being redeveloped, to convince parents that this year's nappy is even better than last year's in terms of fit and absorbency. They're convenient, as there's no washing and drying.

Most parents use disposables because of this convenience factor, and parents who use reusable nappies most of the time may use disposables when away from home.

Some parents opt for reusables during the day and disposables at night.

Massage

Eileen Hayes

Used for healthy full-term babies, massage can be relaxing for both babies and parents.

Hands-on relaxation

Massage can:

* reduce crying and help relieve colic
* encourage better sleeping
* possibly help to boost the immune system


Make sure the room and your hands are warm. Gently stroke any part of your baby's body, using oil if you prefer (baby oil is OK, but don't use aromatherapy oils and avoid nut-based oils such as almond oil).

Never carry on if your baby isn't enjoying it or seems unwell.


Feeding

Feeding your baby can be very rewarding and a time to enjoy a real feeling of closeness. Babies get far more than just nutrition from a feed - they enjoy the cuddle, the comfort and the satisfaction of a full tummy.

In addition, feeding your baby has an impact on his health, not just in infancy but in the long term, too.

In the UK, most mums start off breastfeeding. Breastmilk supplies all the nutrients your baby needs for about first six months and it's the normal, physiological way to feed a human baby. Take the opportunity in pregnancy to talk about your feeding preferences and get the most up-to-date information you can.

Research shows that babies who aren't breastfed have a higher risk of infection, and are more likely to spend time in hospital during their first year. This difference does not depend on the social or economic status of the baby's family - the gaps in health persist even when these factors are taken into account.

But it's not enough to know that breastfeeding gives your baby a better start. Many mothers need help and support to breastfeed, and access to good information to overcome problems.

If you don't breastfeed, for whatever reason, then your baby will need infant formula milk.

Mixed feeding - giving your baby formula milk as well as breastfeeding - can be a way to maintain some breastfeeding if you return to work, or if breastfeeding alone isn't working out for you.

Because you need to breastfeed often to keep up a supply of milk, mixed feeding can lead to breastmilk production dwindling sooner than you wish. Talk to a breastfeeding counsellor, or other knowledgeable person, to help you work out a plan that suits you.
Breastfeeding

If everything's OK, your baby can start to breastfeed straight after birth.

It can take a little while for the two of you to feel you have your act together but, once you do, it's convenient and easy.

* All mothers produce breastmilk
* It's all your baby needs for the first six months
* It contains antibodies that help protect against infections
* Breastfed babies are at lower risk of conditions such as eczema, asthma and diabetes
* Breastmilk is convenient - it needs no preparation, and it's free
* Breastmilk is always the right temperature

K's Kids Jumbo Go Go Go

If you're unable to feed your baby (you may be going back to work or having a night out with friends) but want your baby still to have breastmilk you could express it and have a bottle prepared. This is a technique you can learn to do by hand or with a pump.

It can be stored in the fridge for between three and eight days, depending on the temperature of the fridge, or in the freezer for up to three months, see Expressing and Storing.

Breastfeeding needs no equipment but you might want to think about buying some of the following:

1. Nursing bras - to make 'access' easier, and to improve comfort and support
2. Breastpads - to absorb leaks in the early days/weeks; folded up cotton hankies do the job just as well


If you're going to offer breastmilk from a bottle you may consider the following:

1. A breastpump for expressing, although hand expressing only needs an ordinary sterilised household bowl
2. A bottle and teat to give expressed breastmilk
3. Sterilising equipment
4. At least six bottles and teats


Technique

Early feeds are a learning process for you and your baby. You may need guidance from a midwife or breastfeeding counsellor, and an experienced eye to help you avoid becoming sore. Well-positioned and attached babies shouldn't damage your nipples. There's no single right way to hold your baby, as long as you remember:

* Your baby shouldn't have to twist his body, turn or flex his head to come on to your breast
* Your baby needs to take your nipple far back into the top third of his mouth (otherwise his tongue will get in the way)
* His mouth needs to be wide open, with his tongue coming over the bottom gum and lip
* Pushing his head on to your breast can make him uncomfortable and resistant. Instead, bring him on when his mouth is at its widest point
* He has powerful instincts to get it 'right', and you can work with these


Follow what your baby wants to do. You'll get better and better at following his cues. He may want both breasts every time, and you can offer the second when it seems right - maybe when he wants to take a natural break.

Holding your baby so he can attach himself can be a comfortable and easy way to get things going. Lie back with your baby lengthwise down your body, just cuddling him gently. Newborn babies, with their powerful instincts and reflexes, can get themselves on to the breast with very little help.

It's also a good way to 'get back to basics' with a baby who's had a difficult birth, or who has been handled a lot.
Making milk

You already have colostrum (the first milk that your breasts produce) and some time between days two and five after the birth, your milk changes and becomes more copious. This is because prolactin, the milk-making hormone, has worked on your breasts as soon as the placenta was delivered.

If you don't breastfeed, production slows down and then stops.

You continue producing milk only if it's removed from your breasts - that's how your body knows your baby wants it.

There's no need to time breastfeeds, or schedule them

There's no need to time breastfeeds, or schedule them. In fact, if you do, you may end up with problems.

Babies don't need to be on the breast for a minimum or maximum time, either. Babies have individual needs, and mothers have individual milk storage capacity and responses. So responding to your baby is the best way of ensuring breastfeeding works out.
Breastfeeding after the early days

At first, you'll find your baby asks for feeds a lot and you may not be able to predict when he's likely to sleep. Sometimes you won't know when one feed flows into the next. Your baby may have ten to 15 feeds over 24 hours. This is the way your body adapts to producing the amount of milk your baby needs.

As time goes on, feeds are likely to become more predictable, though there may be occasional days when he enjoys a 'feed in' - that's normal.

It's fine for your breasts to feel softer after a few weeks - as though there's less milk there - it shows your breasts are producing what your baby needs.
How do I know it's going well?

* Your baby takes the breast without fighting or coming off and on
* He shows you he's contented after most feeds
* He's developing well and gaining weight
* He has several wet nappies a day, and does soft yellow poos
* Your breasts and nipples aren't sore


At first, most breastfed babies poo at least twice a day. Then, after a few weeks, they may go several days between each poo - that's normal, as is frequent pooing, too. Long gaps in between poos doesn't mean your baby has constipation.
Comforters, soothers and dummies

Claire Halsey

Many children gain comfort from a dummy, blanket or favourite toy and it can help with settling at night, or getting over a difficult experience.
In this article
Dummies
Comfort toy or blanket

Comfort habits
Reducing thumb sucking

Tears before bedtime

These objects take on the same soothing powers as you have for your child and are as hard to part with as letting you go.

Dummies are particularly powerful soothers as they allow your child to suckle, an activity they find very calming. Sucking is a very natural activity for a baby.

Children do grow out of using their comforters, and most toys and blankets do no harm unless they limit the play and learning opportunities your child has. For example, if your child is holding a toy and so can't do some play activities, try creative solutions such as using a special bag for the comfort object so his hands are kept free.
Dummies

Some research shows that using a dummy when a baby goes to sleep is associated with a reduction in the risk of cot death. But the research doesn't show 'cause and effect' and there are number of questions remaining.

If you decide to use a dummy, current advice from the Department of Health and the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths is to avoid using one for the first month if you're breastfeeding.

Prolonged dummy use and thumb sucking for long periods each day can affect speech and language development, and the teeth's alignment.

To avoid this, aim to discard the dummy before your child is one year old.

If your child is older and still using a dummy, think about devising a ritual where you and your child put all the dummies in the bin and your child gets something more 'grown up', such as a special cup or sports bottle as a reward.
Comfort toy or blanket

Don't be too worried about your child's attachment to a special toy or blanket, though it's worth having at least one duplicate for use in emergencies when the original can't be found.

If you get to a stage where you feel you want to help your child give up, try to do it gradually. A comfort blanket can gradually reduce in size, for instance, so it eventually becomes a little piece carried in a pocket or bag.
Comfort habits

Some children do develop unusual comfort habits, which work by keeping you near them and involve touch such as holding or stroking. These comforting activities are not a behavioural issue and usually break by themselves. Often, this happens when the parent involved is away from home and the child must accept others to soothe him, which can be distressing at first.

Another way to change this habit is to limit the amount of time your child can spend on a comfort activity. In particular, make the stroking/holding stop before he falls asleep, or the link between the habit and being soothed will be strengthened.
Reducing thumb sucking

This habit is especially difficult to limit, as the comfort object is available to your child at all times. Like much behaviour change, the most effective approach is to pay lots of attention to the behaviour you want and little or none to the behaviour you'd like to stop.

Ideas include praise, stickers and lots of hugs whenever you notice your child is not sucking his thumb. When he is, either ignore it or say, in a matter-of-fact tone, "that's not OK", and gently guide the thumb from your child's mouth. At the same time, try to divert his attention on to something else, such as a book or toy.
Tears before bedtime

However you manage the issue of the comforter, you can expect your baby or child to be a little harder to settle for a while. You may need to spend more time with him at bedtime, or when there has been an upset, because he will need extra reassurance.

You can also expect more tantrums and tears as your child expresses his frustration and tries to manage his feelings without a comforter. Your calming voice and your arms holding him safe will help with these feelings and reassure him he can cope.


Bathing

Heather Welford


Scared? You needn't be. If the idea of a slippery baby and a bath tub fills you with dread, then remember it gets easier as time goes on.

Splish splash

It's a question of building your confidence and being prepared:

It's not safe to leave a baby or toddler alone in water, even for a second

Have everything you need in advance - towel, toiletries, clean nappy, clothes. It's not safe to leave a baby or toddler alone in water, even for a second. If you've forgotten something, or if the phone rings, you must take your baby out of the water and wrap her in a towel to keep warm, then take her with you.

Put cold water in the tub first, and then hot. This reduces the chance of scalds. Test the water with your elbow (as hands can bear very high temperatures) before you put your baby in. It should feel comfortably warm.

Step-by-step bathing

* Undress your baby
* Lower your baby feet first into the water, supporting her head and neck at all times
* With your free hand, gently splash water over your baby's body
* Keep talking to your baby for reassurance and to let her know she's safe
* When you've finished, take your baby out, wrap her in a towel and then dress her


If your baby's upset, or clearly not enjoying the bath, stop and try again a few days later
What? No soap?




You can use a mild soap or a baby bath liquid. No soap is necessary for newborns.
Baby bath or big tub?

Baby baths are useful, as they can be moved to a warm part of your house, and need much less water than the 'adult' bath. You could use a clean washing-up bowl for a very young baby.

You can take your baby into the 'adult' bath with you, as long as the water isn't too hot, and there's someone around to hand her to you and take her out again.
Washing hair

If your baby has lots of hair, it helps to use a jug to rinse the water through. You can use a mild baby shampoo as it's good for the scalp, but soap will probably be enough until she's older. Be careful not to get the soap/shampoo in your baby's eyes - stinging eyes can put babies off bathtime.
When to bath?

Your baby doesn't need to bath in the first weeks

It's up to you. Your baby doesn't need to bath in the first weeks (see top and tail below), but it can be fun for both of you to do it every couple of days and can be the beginning of setting your baby's routine.

Later on, it can become part of your evening routine - it will help mark the change from daytime to bedtime.
Top and tail cleaning

Top and tailing is an alternative to bathing for your very young baby.




You need:

* Cotton wool swabs or two cloths
* Bowl of warm water
* Fresh nappy and clean clothes if necessary
* Bin or bucket for waste


Step-by-step top and tailing

* Undress your baby but leave the nappy on
* Wipe your baby's face, neck and ears with a damp cloth or damp cotton wool you've wet in the bowl and dry with cotton wool or the other cloth
* Wipe your baby's hands and under her arms in the same way
* Remove the nappy
* With a newborn, wash any discharge from the cord stump
* Wash her bottom and genitals well (wipe girls from front to back to avoid spreading germs from the bottom to the vagina) and dry
* Put on a clean nappy, and replace your baby's clothes


Remember, when you enjoy bathtime with your baby you are starting a tradition of closeness and fun at the end of the day which will last for many years.

Toddlers and preschool children

Your toddler and sleep

Eileen Hayes

Questions about sleep are among the main reasons parents seek help from health visitors and doctors in the early years of their child's life.
Next page

Almost all babies have erratic sleep patterns to begin with, which most parents expect, but in the latter half of the first year new issues can occur. Some children start waking in the night when they had previously slept through, for example. It's very common for toddlers to wake in the night, and to have difficulty in settling to sleep in the first place. Early waking is a frequent issue, too.

Simple ways to help with settling:
* Create a simple and familiar routine for bedtime - for example, feed, bath, bed
* Allow toddlers time to settle - if they make a fuss, don't go back into the room immediately, but don't leave them for so long they get very distressed
* Some toddlers settle better if you keep things quiet in the evenings, while others are better if you keep natural house noises going, as it's reassuring to know you're nearby
* Make sure your child winds down before bed, this will make the transition from lively toddler to sleeping child easier
* If your toddler keeps getting up after you've put him to bed, you need to be firm and take him back again - it may take time, but eventually he'll get the message


Dealing with waking too early:
* Use thick blinds or curtains to make children's rooms darker so the morning light doesn't wake them
* Provide safe toys for your child to play with in the mornings, so he can play quietly until he hears the rest of the family is awake
* If your child's a natural early riser, you may just have to be patient
* Once children start nursery or school, they tend to sleep for longer


Waking in the night:
* Be realistic and remember everyone's sleep needs and patterns vary - some people need eight hours or more, others can manage on five or six and this creates a different picture of what 'sleeping through' means, even in one family.
* If you've always rocked, stroked or sung your child to sleep when he first goes to bed, he may find it difficult to get back to sleep on his own if he wakes in the night.
* When you go in to comfort him, keep the lights low and use a soft voice - don't encourage play (you'll probably need to do this several times).

Listening and talking

Eileen Hayes

Ideas to help you support your child's speech and understanding.
Next page

By the time your child is 12 to 18 months old, she's already learned several words and can understand many more. By the age of two, most children have about 100 words of vocabulary.

Aim to encourage all your child's early attempts at speaking and don't laugh if she makes a mistake.

Give names to all the things your child points to. It's by copying the sounds and words you make - "that's your cup" or "there's a car" - she learns much of her language.
Listening tips

* Read together - this helps to develop words, language and listening skills
* Find special times to listen - this may be at bedtime or while your child's in the bath
* Show you're interested in listening - ask 'open questions' about what your child’s been doing, and what he likes, and give prompts to help him continue
* Be patient - it can take small children time to sort out what they want to say so don't interrupt too quickly or rush to speak for your child
* Show an interest - look at creative drawings and listen to stories your child wants to tell you
* Be sympathetic and ready to listen - explain to him how to express negative feelings using words, for example, "yes, you're sad because you hurt your hand" or "when Peter took your toy, it made you cross"


Common listening issues

Toddlers hate waiting and may forget what they were trying to say. If you're busy and know your child wants to talk to you, say something like "I'll be with you in a minute. I just have to finish this phone call."

They don't want to talk. Parents often say their toddlers won't tell them about their day at nursery or a visit to a friend's house. Ask open questions that don't just require a 'yes' or 'no' answer, and give gentle encouragement by prompting, reflecting back what your child says and showing you're interested.

They never seem to stop talking. By the time they're three years old, most children are in a phase of asking endless questions. Answer as patiently as you can - your responses are helping your child learn. And appreciate this stage while it lasts: only small children think you have all the answers.

They're always whining. Don't fall into the trap of always responding to whining and give positive attention when he speaks normally.

They communicate without words. Sometimes children can't find the right words to explain how they're feeling. Watch your child's behaviour and think about what he might be trying to express. Behaving badly often means a child is feeling bad, for example.
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Toddlers' rituals

Eileen Hayes

Toddlers' rituals and obsessions can be perfectly normal. Here's a taste of what you can expect.

In a much older child or adult, odd behaviour could be cause for concern, but rituals are normal in young children. Examples of such behaviour include:

* Eating lunch only if it's served on a blue and white plate
* Only drinking out of one beaker and getting upset if you try to give him any other cup
* Eating sandwiches only if they're cut into squares instead of triangles
* Refusing to give up old shoes that no longer fit, even when you've bought new ones
* Wanting the same bedtime story read to him ten times a night
* Watching a favourite video over and over again without getting bored


Such behaviour can be puzzling for adults, but it's absolutely normal. It's an attempt by your child to control and make sense of his world.

Let your child have as many choices as possible - you might try letting him choose which plate or cup he wants to use, for example. As it's under his control, he may eventually opt for a new one, but don't worry if he doesn't.

It's much easier to go along with your toddler and humour his needs until he grows out of these set habits. Most of them are harmless and disappear by themselves.
Developmental stages

Toddlerhood's a busy time and the next couple of years will bring plenty of changes.

You'll find it's sometimes hard work to keep up with your toddler as she walks with more and more confidence, and then begins to climb stairs - first by crawling, and later by holding a grown-up hand, and then finally up and down by herself, perhaps holding on to the wall or handrail, around the age of two.

By about this age, she'll also be able to kick and throw a ball and by three or four she'll gain the balance to ride a tricycle and run with confidence.

These are also the years in which speech develops. You'll find your toddler uses six to 20 words by around 18 months, and over the next six months or so, she'll put two words together to make simple sentences like "baby go" and "me drink".

From two to three years of age your child's curiosity will show in lots of questions, and you'll be able to enjoy real conversations as she begins to talk in longer sentences, and sing rhymes.
Meal times

Meal times will be messy as your toddler tries her skill at using a spoon and has a go at drinking from a cup. By three to four, there'll be less to clear up as she manages a cup well and uses a spoon, fork and possibly even a knife.
Using the loo

You'll be able to toilet train your toddler sometime between her second and third birthdays. By the age of three, most children are dry in the day although the majority still need nappies at night. She can probably use the loo instead of the potty as she develops confidence. Some parents prefer to teach use of the loo from the start, and with your help, many toddlers can do this well.

Getting dressed may take some time for you and your toddler as she'll be determined to do it herself.

Undressing will come first, though. You'll notice socks and shoes get pulled off followed by a 'game' as your toddler resists having them put back on. By three or four, she'll be able to undress once fastenings are undone and she will manage most simple pieces of clothing such as T-shirts and shorts.
Making a mark

As the second year draws on your child will get interested in making her mark. Scribbling with a chunky pen or crayon will make that first exciting picture. By two to three you'll find circles and lines appearing in the drawings, and by the time she gets to preschool you may see these shapes being put together to form stick figures.
Playing

Playing alone or with you will give way to wanting to play alongside other children, and then in pairs and groups as your child gets to preschool age. The skills of sharing and taking turns will come along after three - squabbles over toys may then calm down.

The information provided here should be used as a guide only. Children develop at different stages, but if you're concerned you should contact your doctor or health professional.


Crying and distress

Here's why your toddler may cry and whine occasionally - plus some tactics to help you keep your cool.

There are many reasons why toddlers may show their distress by crying:

* Fears - the dark, the potty, insects, animals and so on
* Anxiety - especially about separation from you or being left with a new carer
* Frustration - being unable to manage or do everything she wants
* Attention - wanting you to spend more time together
* Bumps and knocks - she may be scared by how easily she can be hurt


Your child may also be hungry, overtired or rebelling against bedtime - or she may just want to have her own way and demonstrate independence.

Occasionally, whingeing reflects a more generalised miserable mood, which may be caused by hunger, fatigue or illness.
Whining and moaning

If your toddler whines and cries a lot, do all you can to give positive attention to non-whiny behaviour and practise calm refusals until she communicates in a reasonable tone.

If she can't talk well yet, you may need to distract her with another activity when the whining starts.

It's tempting to give in to demands for a bit of peace, but this is a mistake as it'll only make the behaviour worse.
Coping tactics

* Don't reward whining by giving your child what she wants - this only teaches her that it's the best method of getting her own way.
* Deal with obvious causes you can sort out, such as tiredness, hunger and boredom.
* Give plenty of positive attention when your child asks nicely or behaves well.
* Respond quickly when your child asks for something, even if your response is no. Don't wait until she moans.
* Keep toddlers busy with interesting toys and activities.
* If you know you'll end up giving in, it's better to do so right away - "Yes, I'll get you sweets today" or "Yes, you can have a video now." Waiting teaches your child that the longer she whines, the greater her chance of success.


You can't give in to everything your toddler wants, and it always helps to explain why. Try saying, "You can't have sweets now because lunch'll be ready in a minute" or "You can't watch a video now as it'll soon be bedtime".

Often, "I want" is really a sign of wanting attention. A cuddle, a bit of praise or a few minutes spent sitting on your lap or reading a book may be enough, after which your child will probably be happy to go off and play again.

Primary School Children

Friendships

Eileen Hayes

Friends are a very important part of your school age child's life.

Friendships can be a wonderful source of strength emotionally for children, and help their developing self-confidence.

After the age of nine or so, many children have a 'best friend' and may form intense, longer-lasting friendships on the basis of a variety of shared interests and things in common.

Your child may be happy with just one friend, or be extremely popular with a large circle of friends. Alternatively, he may seem perfectly content on his own - sometimes because he has interests that are different from most other children his age, whether older or younger.

If he's happy with the situation, that's fine. You only need to worry if he seems upset about rejection by friends.
What if your child has trouble making friends?

This can cause enormous anxiety. It's right to worry if your child seems upset by a constant lack of friends. This can mean they're more vulnerable - not just to loneliness and low self-esteem - but to later problems such as lower academic achievement, or even eating disorders and depression.

Shyness or aggression can prevent children from making friends, but there are children who are neither and who just seem to be loners.

Not all of these children are troubled by it, so it's important not to overreact. While the vast majority of children do rely heavily on their friendships, there are some who seem quite happy without this, and many grow into resourceful, creative adults.
Tips

* Encourage your child - talk to him about friendships, share memories of your childhood friends and ask your child's views about his.
* Teach social skills and sociable behaviour - explain to your child how to understand non-verbal and verbal cues, for example, someone smiling at him or making a jokey remark. Your child may be misinterpreting these and miss opportunities to make friends. Your child may overreact to teasing, or pressure others to play when they've said "no". You can even use role play to show your child, for example, how to make eye contact and to smile to show he's friendly. Your child could also practise saying something like: "Hello I am Sam, would you like to play?"
* Teach basic social rules - not to snatch things, or hit others and how to share and co-operate, and ensure your own behaviour gives a good example.
* Make your child's friends welcome in your home - don't judge your child's choices too harshly or force him to play with children you choose.
* Make an effort to talk to other parents at school - this encourages children to get to know each other.
* Find local activities, where your child will have opportunities to make friends outside of school, such as cubs, a drama group or swimming lessons.
* Show love - this is invaluable as it helps bolster your child's confidence, even if there are occasional friendship difficulties. Never show up your child or tell him off in front of friends.
* Try not to interfere too much in matters connected with your child's friendships and social life - he should have the chance to sort these out in his own way whenever possible.


Bad company

You may worry about your child getting in with a 'bad' crowd or making 'unsuitable' friends. This can be quite tricky because any moves you make to ban such friendships usually only make a child more determined to carry on with them. It's better to allow the friendship and to keep an eye on things, especially when in your own home. You can stress they must stick to your house rules - for example, no swearing or hitting.
Safety advice

* Don't let your child go off alone unsupervised - especially with a friend you feel uncomfortable about.
* Be wary of groups you don't feel happy about - boys especially can be led on into much worse behaviour when a 'gang' is egging them on.


Make sure you always know where your child is - have clear rules that they must come and tell you before moving on somewhere else.

Moods, stress and depression

Claire Halsey

Young children can be affected by stress, have sad moods and can suffer from depression, too.

Some estimates are that up to ten per cent of children in middle childhood may suffer from depression.

Common causes include:

* Arguments between parents or parents splitting up
* Falling out with friends
* Being teased too much
* Being overwhelmed with work or homework
* School tests
* Holidays


The last item in this list - holidays - may be unexpected. It's not only unpleasant events, but also some happy ones, that can be stressful to a vulnerable child.

Some children just seem to have a more happy-go-lucky temperament, and deal with most situations appropriately. They can get readily over disappointments and setbacks, and happily go back to dealing with life's challenges. Others find this more difficult - they may become withdrawn emotionally, or completely overreact to events.
Help your child manage stress

* Build self-esteem and confidence - show lots of love and affection.
* Keep your children up to date - it's vital for you to keep children informed about what's happening in the family and what's likely to be coming up. Children can become bewildered at what's happening around them.
* Look ahead - anticipate incidents that might be stressful for your child and help them as much as possible to prepare for these, such as returning to school after the holidays, exams, or even a holiday. Talk well in advance about the event and any worries your child might have. This can really help to cut down anxiety.
* Keep an eye on your child for signs that he's finding things too much - be alert to any sudden changes in behaviour, becoming more aggressive, not sleeping, or changes in diet such as overeating, or appearing to eat nothing. Do all you can to help at an early stage so that matters don't get worse.
* Talk and listen - encourage your child to describe how he feels. Use reflective listening to check out what you're hearing, for example: "So you're saying you feel upset when you have too much homework." It's not necessary to solve every problem, but just talking things out can really help.
* Be realistic - don't have such high expectations for your child that he's completely stressed trying to live up to them.
* Involve your child - get him to help think up solutions to problems. This gives him a sense that he can make a difference and that things aren't hopeless.
* Use distraction tactics - a day out having fun at a theme park can make a child forget he's upset over a falling out with a friend, or joining a new drama group can soften the blow of not making it onto the swimming team.
* Encourage independence - achieving things on your own always gives a boost, so you should try not to over-protect your school age child.


Just letting your child play more with other children can often help him to get things in perspective.
Tips to avoid stress

* Don't put too much pressure on your child to achieve - giving the message that he must do well in tests, or must get into a particular school can create too much stress for some children.
* Make your own behaviour an example of how to handle stressful situations - if you can show that you don't fall apart when things go wrong, this teaches a useful lesson. If you freak out when the car won't start, or when the toast burns, this gives a message that it's all too much.
* Make sure your child has enough time to chill out - allow time to play, read or watch some TV. Rushing from school to music lessons or a tutor leaves no time to unwind and relax.
* Slow the pace of life down - you may have become used to rushing around, but your child needs more time to adjust to changes and to take things at his own pace.
* Don't forget or ignore your child in times of crisis or family change - it's hard for children to imagine what will happen next, and they need you to explain situations patiently to them.
* It can really help to lower the emotional temperature at home - if everybody is constantly yelling, rushing around and generally creating a stressful atmosphere, this is almost bound to rub off on children.
* Simple relaxation exercises can help some children - breathing deeply, and going floppy. You could even give your child a relaxing massage.
* Make sure your child gets enough exercise - set aside enough chances for your child to run around in the fresh air and balance this with making sure he also gets enough relaxing, regular sleep.


Of course, sometimes children have to deal with far more serious problems, such as serious illness, parents divorcing, or even the death of a parent. They'll always need help and support from the important adults in their lives at times of major change.

Children often blame themselves for events over which they have no possible control. Just emphasising there's no way they could have influenced things can be a great relief.

If your child seems very depressed, or worrying symptoms carry on for more than a month, it may be best to consider seeking professional help - you could ask your doctor in the first instance.


Confidence building

A child with good self-esteem has the confidence to try new things and make friends, and has stronger relationships with you and others.

School life and friends may give confidence a knock.

Help give your child a boost with these ideas:

* Believe in your child and show it - let her know she's a worthwhile, lovable individual.
* Give praise and positive feedback - your child measures her worth and achievements by what you think of her. "Well done, that was hard, and you managed it" is music to young ears. Reassure your child that it's OK to make mistakes and that it's all part of growing up.
* Practise active, reflective listening - listen carefully, repeat what you've heard to make sure you understand and give positive prompts to encourage your child to continue.
* Acknowledge your child's feelings - and help her express them verbally.
* Criticise behaviour, not your child - it's very easy to fall into this trap, but too much criticism tells your child she's a bad person and is causing things to happen because of her own stupidity. This is very damaging if it goes on for a long time. Be clear that it's an action you're angry about or behaviour you don't like.
* Respect your child's interests, even if they seem boring to you - take a genuine interest in your child's friends, and what's happening at school, and comment to show you're listening.
* Accept any fears or insecurities your child expresses as genuine - even if they seem trivial to you, don't just brush them aside. If your child says, "I'm useless at maths" say "You're obviously finding maths a struggle, how can I help you?".
* Encourage independence - encourage your child to take chances and try new things. Succeeding gives a huge boost to confidence, and sometimes your child will need to learn by her mistakes.
* Laugh with your child - never at her.
* Focus on your child's successes - swimming, music, whatever she can succeed at.


Are you helping or hindering?

You've warned your child she shouldn't walk across the carpet carrying a cup full of milk and her dinner. She does it anyway, but trips and spills it. It's tempting to say: "Now look what you've done. I told you that you couldn't do it."

Comments such as this make your child feel even worse than she does already for failing at something. Instead, try to give support by saying something like: "Oh no, you tried, but it didn't work. Never mind. Next time you could carry them one at a time."

It's not only the critical things said directly to your children that can undermine confidence. If your child overhears you tell someone that "she's got two left feet" or "she's so clumsy" they might think you really believe this and feel it can't be changed.

Things you say about yourself can damage your child's self-esteem. Children learn a great deal from copying adults close to them. If you overreact to situations or pressure, your child may worry you really can't handle life's challenges. This won't set your child an example of a positive, optimistic attitude to life and how to handle problems.

Think before you speak and choose your words with care - it's very easy to say something without thinking, and then wish you hadn't. "You're so clumsy" or "Don't be stupid" can be said in an irritated moment when the cereal is spilled or an innocent question is asked. Too many negative remarks like this can result in children believing they're useless or stupid.

All the following can damage a child's confidence:

* Saying you don't love them
* Saying you wish they'd never been born
* Insults or unkind remarks
* Deliberately ridiculing things your child does or feels
* Cruel teasing and sarcasm
* Endless nagging
* Aggressive shouting and swearing

Pre Teens

Developmental stages

Your ability to adapt and change will be tested in the coming years as your child starts the transition to adolescence and adulthood. You may find your values rejected, and your authority challenged.

It's all about to change

Physical changes will affect your child in these years as pubic hair appears. Growth spurts can leave your child feeling gangly and awkward. Your daughter's breasts will begin to develop and she'll probably begin her periods sometime between the ages of 11 and 13.

The arrival of spots can send your pre-teen into a spin as he worries about being attractive to others. Strong sexual feelings may surface and privacy will become increasingly important. Your son may be experiencing unwanted, embarrassing erections.

Over these years your child will become much more interested in the opinions and friendship of others outside the home. Your views will start to be rejected. This is a necessary part of growing up as your child becomes his own person with ideas and values separate from the family.

Your child's learning will focus on changes in thinking and awareness of social and moral values. You may notice your pre-teen is interested in talking about issues reported on the news, particularly where inequalities or hardship is the subject. Your child will want you to take their new-found views seriously.

Your word will no longer be law and you may find yourself engaged in long debates as house rules and limits are renegotiated. You'll benefit from having regular family meetings where each of you can bring up everyday issues.

Your child will be needing just over nine hours sleep each night by the time he is 13 years old.*

The information provided should be used as a guide only. Children develop at different stages, but if you're concerned, contact your doctor or health professional.

*Source: Ferber, R (1985) Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, Dorling Kindersley.
Growing independence

Eileen Hayes

As your child grows into a teenager, he'll want greater independence and privacy.

You'll notice your child is working towards more independence from your family. He'll make more of his own decisions - from simple things such as the clothes he wears, to the sports, clubs and hobbies he's interested in. Your child's room will become his haven and his personal interests will show clearly in the posters on the wall, stickers on the wardrobe and the music blaring from the CD player.

Your child may also begin to keep a diary to record the ups and downs of his friendships and, eventually, the start of more intense and intimate relationships. Privacy becomes very important as your child moves through the pre-teen years.
Golden rules

* Respect your child's privacy - knock and wait before going into his room.
* Never read your child's diary, emails, post or eavesdrop on phone conversations.
* Try not to tidy your child's room, unless there's a health hazard!
* Support your child's choices as much as you can - remember when you had fashion disasters or a bad haircut.
* Stick to your guns on issues important to your family. Today's fashions for body piercing and tattoos could be a source of conflict. It's worth thinking through your standpoint before controversial subjects are raised, for example.
* Take your child's problems and dilemmas seriously. You may feel your pre-teen's latest worry is trivial, but to him it's a matter of life and death, so listen and answer carefully. Don't tell your child's worries to other people without his permission. Trust can be broken easily and takes enormous effort to rebuild.


As your child reaches his teenage years, your dilemma will be how much independence to give him. Common questions arise, such as at what age can your child stay home on his own, when can he care for younger brothers and sisters or babysit?

There are no hard and fast answers to these questions - much depends upon the maturity of your 13-year-old.

Remember, you're responsible for your child's supervision. If you have any doubt about how your teenager would react in an emergency or cope without you for even a short time, don't leave him without adult supervision.
Becoming an embarrassment

You can expect to become an embarrassment to your child starting sometime between his ninth and 13th birthday.

You may be asked to drop your child off round the corner from friends and he may begin to try to change how you look so you don't stand out from other parents.

Don't take this personally. Pre-teens react this way because they're trying to appear independent yet still have to rely on you for all sorts of things - permission to go out, transport, pocket money and so on. This tension can result in your child needing you but wishing he didn't.

When he reaches adulthood you'll laugh together about these experiences, so try to take them in your stride while you're in the middle of them.

Becoming independent is the work of your pre-teen and teenage child, but despite his mixed feelings about you, he still needs your love and support with no strings attached. He may not be too keen on a hug these days, but will still appreciate your interest and your love.

Your child and homework

Keeping up with your child's studies may be one of your biggest challenges in the pre-teen years. Here are some hints.

Homework

You'll probably find out most information about your child's subjects through the homework given to him by his teachers.

Schools vary tremendously in the amount of homework they give. The Department for Children, Schools and Families has guidelines for the time your child should spend on homework. From the ages of nine to 11, the department recommends 30 minutes per day and between the ages of 11 and 13, it recommends 45 to 90 minutes per day.

Homework can be a cause of stress between you and your child. Here are some ideas to help your child get through his homework with minimum fuss and maximum benefit:

* Get ready - your child will need a break between school and homework, so give him a short time to relax and have something to eat and drink before he settles back to work.
* Make room - homework takes concentration and quiet, so set up a special place for study. It needs to be well lit, warm, not too noisy and have a table - work is often marked for neatness and a steady surface helps with writing and drawing. TV can be very distracting - he'll learn better if the TV is kept off during homework sessions.
* Show your interest - he'll be encouraged by your attention, so long as you're not looking over his shoulder correcting his every move.
* Make homework rewarding - set up some treats for when homework is done. It could be an activity with you, having a friend round or some time on computer games.
* Catch up on the subjects your child is studying - you'll probably remember some information from your own time at school but many subjects have changed, and it may help to get some tips from the teachers to help you learn alongside your children.
* Don't do the homework yourself - your child could come to rely on you for all the answers.


Exams and tests

You and your child will be faced with plenty of tests and formal examinations in the years to come. Setting up a revision routine and a calm approach to exams will make these stressful times easier on both of you.

* Make a revision timetable - this will help your child share out time between each subject.


Find a balance between hard work and pleasure - make sure your child takes time to relax, meet with friends and get some fresh air. He should give his brain a rest the evening before a test - take a break from studying and get a good night's sleep. If exam anxiety is a problem, make sure your child knows he can talk to you, or another supportive adult such as a teacher or school nurse.
Communicating with your pre-teen

Communicating builds their self-esteem and confidence, and makes the most of your relationship.

At every age children need their parents to understand how they're feeling. It's your job to make your child feel that she can talk to you about anything going on in her life. You achieve this by listening properly and not leaping in with your own judgements or constantly blaming your child.

Setting up good communication now gives you a head start for the upcoming teen years, when it will become even harder and the topics even more tricky and complicated. Unless you use the pre-teen years to open the discussion on moral issues, sex, drugs, and so on, the teen years are likely to be an endless power struggle. It's also becoming impossible to use the controlling methods that may have worked when she was younger, so effective communication is essential to gain cooperation.
Key principles for good communication

* Communication should be open-ended, not closed. For example: "Tell me about how the school trip went" rather than "Did you enjoy the school trip?"
* It must be a two-way thing. It's not just about you telling your child something or giving advice, but rather listening to her viewpoint and accepting her emotions.
* Reflective listening is the most effective way of communicating with this age group. Recognise, respect and acknowledge your child's views and worries. Look for the emotional meaning that often lies behind words, identify the feeling and feed it back. Say something such as: "So you must have felt angry when that happened." You can also reflect back the content of what your child is saying to clarify points: "You mean your teacher will be leaving at the end of term?"


Are you listening?

Talking is only part of the communication process. Listening is an important skill too.

* Stop what you're doing and give your full attention to your child.
* Make eye-contact.
* Don't interrupt too quickly.
* Give prompts - nodding, smiling, saying "mmms".
* Make it clear that you're always willing to give a sympathetic hearing, whether it's about a falling out with a friend, a failure to make the football team, or disappointing marks in an exam. Stress that making mistakes is the way to learn how to get things right, not just about failure.


Parents often fall into the trap of using communication with pre-teens mainly to give orders or start lecturing a child about shortcomings. They use phrases like: "I told you, you shouldn't do that" or "You should have listened to me." When parents use every opportunity to score points or blame a child in this way, children feel that they can never measure up.

If pre-teens feel all their attempts at communication end up with the same lecture from parents, they'll soon decide that there's no point in trying.
Key tips for communicating well

* If you really don't have time to listen, explain by saying something like: "I'm busy right now, but come back in half an hour and we can talk about it properly."
* Respect the growing need for some privacy with pre-teens. They want to take on more independence, and may not want to tell you everything.
* Gradually loosen the reins, and consider it carefully when your pre-teen tells you that peers are allowed certain privileges that they don't have - staying up later, extra TV or more pocket money - it may be time to review your family rules.
* If you have to overrule your child, do it in a way that respects her right to have her own views, but explain that until she's more mature, there are some decisions you must make for her.
* This is the age to teach about the importance of respecting differences in others, when your child becomes more aware of what goes on in the world outside. Explain that we shouldn't make judgements about other people when we may not have all the facts. Help your child to keep an open mind about other people and their beliefs.
* Talk to your pre-teen about how you feel. "I'm tired from a long day at work" or "I'm excited about the holidays" encourages open communication about her feelings. But never burden her with adult problems, such as relationship or money worries. You shouldn't be seeking emotional support from your child.
* Remember the importance of non-verbal communication. Watch out for when a child seems upset or looks sad. Say: "You seem upset - do you want to tell me about it?"
* Encourage your child to talk in a positive way about herself - for example: "I'm getting better at maths" rather than "I'm useless at maths."
* Guard against the use of sarcasm and put-downs such as "You're stupid" or "How could you do that?" Constantly belittling a pre-teen destroys confidence. Say things such as: "Yes, I see what you mean" or "You do have a point, but... "
* Try to give your pre-teen a 'can-do' attitude as at this age confidence in her own abilities can begin to falter and she can become more aware of shortcomings, or not being as good as others at certain subjects or sports.

Bullying and the school-age child

Even though everyone agrees bullying is not OK, it can still happen, and your child may be bullied or even be a bully at some time.

There are three ways children can be bullied:

* Physical bullying - when your child is hit, pushed, has hair pulled and so on.
* Verbal bullying - name calling, racist and sexist comments, foul language and unkind jokes, for example, about weight. This is the most frequent type of bullying and very common for children aged nine to 13. Verbal bullying isn't teasing - teasing happens when both the teaser and child are having fun.
* Relational bullying - being left out or having nasty gossip passed around about you. Young teenagers especially can suffer from this type of bullying.


Recognising bullying

There are a few signs that may indicate your child is being bullied. Has their behaviour changed? Do they refuse to go to school or have unexplained tummy aches or headaches? Have they lost confidence recently, or seem to be generally low?

If you notice any of these signs, or your child tells you about bullying, there are some steps you can take.

* Take bullying seriously. You may be tempted to think your child is being over-sensitive, over-reacting or simply wanting extra attention, but telling you about bullying was a big step and took lots of courage.
* Talk together about how to sort the problem out. If the bullying happened at school, a club or other organisation, your first step is to alert staff to the problem. Ask your child to tell a trusted adult straight away when bullying happens. Make sure your child warns the bully she's going to do this.
* You could find a special listener for your child, such as a playground assistant or school secretary who's around everyday to support your child.
* Your child's school will have a policy about bullying, which should help you.
* Avoid fighting back. The problem may well get bigger if you become angry with the other child or their parent, or if your child attacks the other child in return.


Avoiding bullying

Being bullied is never your child's fault, but there are some things she or he can do to make being bullied less likely.

* Act confident - teach your child to imagine walking tall and to look people in the eye.
* Make a point of finding friends - ask other children round to your house, join sports or organised clubs where your child will meet others interested in the same things.
* Hang around with friends - when adults aren't around, your child should stick together with friends. A bully probably won't approach when their victim is in a group.
* Tell your child you love and respect him or her - when you listen to them you build up their confidence, self-esteem and trust in you.


What to do if your child is a bully

If your child bullies, you may react with shock, shame or even anger. You may wonder what you can do to sort this out.

* Let your child know that bullying is not OK. Be clear about what you mean by bullying behaviour. Work together with others involved such as teachers and parents to make sure the bullying stops.
* Let your child know how she or he should treat other people. You are your child's best teacher, so set an example through your own behaviour. Let your child see you be kind, speak well of others, solve problems without getting angry, be accepting of differences between people such as race, religion, attitudes and so on.
* Help your child understand how other children and adults feel. Talk about feelings and ask questions such as: "How did you feel when...?" and "How do you think I felt after...?"


Spend more time with your child. Sometimes children bully because of their own sadness and anger, or after being bullied themselves. When you get closer to your child, you may find they'll share the worries behind the bullying behaviour.

Starting secondary school

Eileen Hayes

Be prepared for some insecurity when your child starts secondary school - it's a big step!

Moving on up

Your child has been used to the relatively small, secure environment of primary school, where he's become a large fish in a small pond. Suddenly he's got to adjust to the large, much less personal world that is secondary school.

You too may find this a difficult time, as it brings home the fact that he's moving on to a new stage in his growth that will end in adulthood. You may worry about which school he's going to, how he'll get there, and whether he can cope with new friends, new subjects and all the other pressures.

* Make every effort not to pass on your anxiety to your child. Be positive and up-beat about the change.
* If your child expresses worries, show you're sympathetic, but remind him that all the new children will be feeling the same.
* For the first week or so, try to arrange for at least one parent to see him off in the morning and be there when he gets home.
* Most primary schools arrange visits to secondary schools; if yours doesn't, arrange one yourself before the new school term begins.
* Make sure all necessary uniform, physical education (PE) kit and equipment is sorted out so your child doesn't start at a disadvantage.
* Make sure your child is fully aware of road safety issues, to ensure they're safe during the journey into school.
* Be prepared for some insecurity in the beginning. Regression to more childish behaviour, tears and tempers, or feeling ill and unable to go to school are all common.
* Keep a careful eye on things while he's settling in. Chat often about the work and the new subjects, and take an interest in homework and new friendships.
* Check out what pastoral care the school provides, so you can be reassured that your child's problems will be taken seriously and dealt with effectively.
* Homework needs to be taken more seriously. Make sure your child has a quiet place to work undisturbed by others. Some children like to get it done and out of the way as soon as they come home, others need a break to unwind before going back to it. Your child needs to learn to work in his own way and organise his own time, so don't interfere too much unless the work isn't getting done.


Trouble adjusting

Occasionally children find the transfer to secondary just too much and begin to show real dislike for school. When this happens it's important to talk to your child and the school to find out what's going on and what can be done to help the situation.

Your child may be finding the work overwhelming or even boring, or he might be finding it hard to make new friends. It's important to tackle this early, as some children end up playing truant or refusing to attend school if the problem's not resolved. Remember your support and confidence in your child will help him thrive and make the move to secondary school go more smoothly.

Adolescence and your relationship

Claire Halsey

Making the transition from child to adolescent may be challenging and difficult. The guide book changes with puberty!

Mood swings and independence

Until now, your child may have been reasonably happy for you to make most of the major decisions in her life. But as she grows, so she develops a strong will of her own. It can feel hurtful when an amenable, friendly child suddenly becomes moody and snaps at you over the slightest thing.

Some parents find these changes harder than others to deal with. However, some parents prefer having young people to talk to and spend time with. For the adolescent, it's an experimental time, working out what sort of teenager and young person she's eventually going to become.
When does it all begin?

Puberty, or the start of adolescence, is now taking place earlier than in previous generations, and is earlier in girls than boys. The average is 12 to 14 years for girls and 13 to 15 for boys. By the end of primary school, several girls in a class will probably have begun menstruation.

The physical signs of puberty include:

* A growth spurt
* Becoming more clumsy
* Growth of body hair and an increase in sweat production
* For girls, breasts develop and periods begin
* A boy's voice may become more husky as a prelude to it breaking in a year or two


Emotional signs include:

* Moodiness and rapid changes of temperament
* Strong feelings about many different things (embarrassment, love, hate)
* Worry over appearance, especially the unfamiliar body changes
* Becoming much more idealistic and aware of external issues
* Sensitivity over body appearance - never tease your adolescent over spots, body shape and other physical changes


You may not be able to simply reassure your adolescent that she looks fine. It's important to show you understand her concerns, while still giving a positive view of the matter: "I can understand you're worried about people noticing that spot. It isn't likely, but I can get you something to camouflage or put on it if you like."

It's important to respect your adolescent's need to try out different ideas, and not to constantly put her down. It can avoid many arguments and rows if you can concede, while still making it clear what your own views are: "Yes, I see your point, but what I believe is..." not simply, "That's ridiculous, how can you possibly think like that?"
Peer pressure

From around the time a child transfers to secondary school at about 11 or 12, the influence of friends often begins to take on greater importance than that of parents. The clothes they wear, the school bags they carry, the music and films they like must all be slavishly copied. This is extremely important for adolescents - nothing is more vital to them than feeling that they belong and are accepted by their peers.

The wise parent goes along with this as far as possible. Your child will be making all her own choices as an adult soon enough, and there's no sense in huge disputes and rows if she wants to start now.

This is still the time to shop together, but allow your child some say over what she likes and dislikes - don't just impose your own tastes.
Sexuality and your adolescent

It's essential to teach about menstruation, conception and sexual relations in a matter-of-fact way. It can be much harder to talk about sexual feelings, the emotions involved and the responsibility.

* Discuss sexual matters - use informal opportunities as they crop up, and always respond honestly and appropriately to your child's questions. Try to use other cues, like a mention on TV, to bring in difficult topics such as masturbation or protecting yourself from abuse. Children gradually become more self-conscious with age, so the earlier you do all this, the better.
* Talk about love - use everyday events in the family such as a wedding, or a baby's birth, to discuss love and responsibility to others.
* Don't laugh at 'crushes' - it's very common for youngsters to develop a crush on a celebrity and have posters plastered all over their walls. Your child may also develop a strong emotional attachment to a real friend and it's wrong to make fun of this.
* Show you trust your child to behave responsibly in sexual matters - this should act as an incentive for your child to live up to your expectations. Constant prying or suspicion will have the opposite effect.
* Don't panic - you may find your child tells dirty jokes, draws or looks at pictures of naked bodies or even indulges in some sex play with friends. This is all quite normal.
* Respect your adolescent's growing need for privacy - she'll probably become very self-conscious about nakedness.
* Give clear information about the behaviour that's appropriate in any sexual situations - stress that her body is private and no one has the right to do anything unwanted or to make her feel uncomfortable. Giving your child this information means that she'll be less vulnerable to abuse.


Early adolescence problems

Some adolescents become very shy, even though they may not have been like this as younger children. They may appear to be doing well at school, but spend all their time studying at the expense of developing friendships. Try to boost confidence and make it clear friends are welcome to come round - but many children just need time to work through this stage.

Your adolescent may refuse to do something that seems like very little effort. She won't hang up a coat instead of dropping it in the hallway, she won't write a thank-you note to a grandparent, however often you ask.

The emotional effort required can just seem like too much effort to your child. Also, much like a toddler, your child has become very aware of her increased independence and widening range of choices. She says "no" simply because she can.

The secret is to accept that you have to give up control over your child. It's no longer desirable, or possible to order her to do things - you'll only create battles and even more resistance. Hopefully, if you don't force battles, she'll eventually realise that being cooperative isn't a threat to her independence.

Many parents find untidiness one of the most irritating things about adolescents.

Towels are casually dropped on the floor, schoolbooks are left on the kitchen table, and rooms look as if a bomb has hit them. The only solution is to allow your child to experience natural consequences - if she never puts clothes in the wash basket, sooner or later she'll have nothing clean to wear. If she never tidies her room, there'll come a point where she feels so frustrated at not being able to find things that she has a massive clear-up. You need to accept that a young person has the right to deal with their own room in their own way. If you give an example of keeping things well organised and tidy, the chances are your adolescent will eventually do the same. Adults often have a double standard, accepting a level of chaos in their own room or desk, nagging a child to keep to an unrealistic level of tidiness.

These years are the beginning of the teens when you have to learn to let go, to allow your child privacy and space and the right to learn by her own mistakes.

Teenagers

Your teen and the law

If your child becomes involved with criminal or antisocial behaviour, here's what might happen.

If your child's under 17, the police must contact you as soon as possible after he or she is brought to a police station.

Officers should not begin to question your child until you're there, unless a delay would put people or property at risk.

Like an adult, a child under arrest has the right to speak to a solicitor in private, free of charge, no matter what the financial circumstances of your family.

This isn't the case with legal aid to pay for a lawyer in any court case that may follow. You'll need to get guidance on whether your child's eligible.

If it's a first offence, and/or relatively minor, it may well be dealt with outside the court system.

If you live in England or Wales, the Youth Justice Board website gives full details of the possibilities. The Youth Justice section of the Scottish Government website has information for parents in Scotland, and parents in Northern Ireland should visit the Youth Justice Agency website.

If charges are brought, your child will almost certainly appear in a youth court. This is often in the same building as the adult magistrates' court, but is usually less formal and not open to the general public or the press.

A defendant under 18 may be sent to an adult magistrates' court if he or she is being tried with an adult.

If the maximum sentence for the alleged crime is more than six months in prison, the magistrates must refer the case on to the Crown Court, regardless of the age of the defendant.

Children under ten cannot be charged as they are below the age of criminal responsibility.
Your teen's behaviour

Caring and guiding a teenager is about finding a balance - too little discipline and you increase the chance of risky behaviour, and if you’re too heavy-handed, they might rebel.

Has your cheerful, sweet-natured child become a surly teenager? It's not unusual but you need to understand why he's behaving in this way. It could be he's trying to shock you, or he can't control himself and has a flood of confusing emotions. Or it may be that when he's with his friends, swearing and rudeness are part of the way they relate to one another.
Dealing with the problem

* Don't ignore the behaviour. You deserve respect and to be spoken to in an acceptable way.
* Talk to your teenager - try to get to the root of the problem.
* Find someone your child trusts - he may be more willing to talk to a family friend, an older sibling or an aunt or uncle.


Changing styles

Many parents are quite controlling with younger children, partly because they have to make most of their decisions for them, but this just won't work with adolescents.

You need to guide your teenager towards adult life and be clear about your limits and boundaries while not enforcing them in an authoritarian way.

Think back to how you felt as a teenager and be tolerant about experimental behaviour.

* Accept you can't control your child with demands, orders and threats.
* Accept your teen is rejecting some of your values and beliefs because he's trying to become an individual.
* Respect his need for privacy and accept he may no longer be prepared to tell you everything.
* Continue to monitor what he does and where he goes - it's not sensible to just let him loose on the world.
* Remember some conflict and battles of will are inevitable.
* State clearly what your boundaries are, but be prepared to review them and negotiate from time to time and gradually loosen the reins.
* Don't use sarcasm or put-downs no matter how tempting.
* As far as possible, allow your teenager to make his own decisions and choices and, occasionally, learn from his mistakes.
* If a rule is deliberately broken, apply fair consequences - a teenager who comes home hours late might have to stay in the next night, but not for the next month.
* When your teenager acts as if he hates you, it's because he's upset and confused, or angry at your attempts to control him.
* Do all you can to stay calm.

Your teen and education

How can we encourage our teens at school without putting them under too much pressure?

Teens are sometimes under a lot of pressure to perform well at school, and this can lead to anxiety and tension.

That's the bad news. The good news is that young people, on the whole, are getting better results year on year.

Year ten (ages 14-15) is seen by many as a watershed. If your teen gets through this year and is still motivated, enthusiastic and working well, she's more than likely to continue doing well.

For others, this is when difficulties and problems emerge.
Switching off

Some teenagers go off specific subjects; others go off school generally. If your child's struggling, you'll need to know exactly what it is she's struggling with.

If the trouble is with specific subjects, it may be she's fallen out with the teacher, is having difficulties with a part of the curriculum, or is just feeling she just can't do it.

Your teen may need help (if you know the subject, that's great; if you don't, there are lots of books available to help you get up to speed), or simply some encouragement.
How to help

If you get on well with your child, talk a lot and still enjoy each other's company, most problems will be relatively easy to overcome.

If, on the other hand, you can't discuss anything contentious without it turning into an argument, you might not be the best person to tackle the problem. Ask for help from someone your child likes and trusts, such as a teacher, relative or neighbour.

This is no time for pride, guilt or torture - the quicker the problem's resolved, the sooner your teenager can get back to her studies and you can stop worrying.
Teenagers who reject school

There are three main reasons why children skip school:

* Something's going on, such as bullying, that makes them reluctant to attend
* They're not coping with their subjects or they're not being stretched enough
* Emotional worries make school seem irrelevant


It's vital to establish the cause and take steps to resolve it before your teen's future is seriously affected.
Exclusion and expulsion

Schools have the right to exclude a young person who's been in serious trouble. In most cases this is for a fixed period, such as three or five days.

The school must always phone parents, then follow up with a letter if a child is to be excluded. Letters should also be sent to the local education authority to explain why the school has enforced the exclusion.

Remember these points:

* Parents have the right to appeal to the head teacher and governors if they don't think exclusion is fair.
* A temporarily excluded child isn't allowed on the school premises and should be given school work to do at home.
* Permanent exclusion - expulsion - is a last resort and is likely to follow a number of fixed exclusions. A discipline committee should meet to discuss the decision. If it agrees to the permanent exclusion, you have 15 days in which to appeal.


Exclusion from school is obviously very serious. Once a teenager is excluded she's more likely to get into further trouble, and this can be difficult to deal with.
Your relationship with your teen

By focusing on the bad side of your teen's behaviour, you could be missing out on all the good...

A lot of the behaviour associated with being a teenager - wanting more freedom, challenging authority and taking risks , trying alcohol or drugs, having relationships and staying out late, are only part of the picture. Many of the negative stereotypes attached to adolescence, such as delinquency and violence, are also quite incorrect.

A few teenagers may behave in this way, but the vast majority don't.
Going through changes

As your teen matures towards adult life, he may have to tackle some of the following:

* Dealing with sexual feelings and his newly maturing body - he's caught between childhood and adulthood
* Learning new life skills - problem solving, decision making, negotiation and conflict resolution, as well as learning to apply a more abstract level of thought
* Working out a system of values and morals based on, but probably different from, your own
* Dealing with friendships and relationships in a mature way
* Working out his adult identity, including a likely period of adopting different identities to see if they fit
* Forming a new adult relationship with you that will be the basis of your future relationship


All the way through the teen years, you'll have to guide your child towards adult life, gradually handing over responsibilities and independence when he shows he can manage them.

Your teen will need clear rules and boundaries about what's considered acceptable, even when he rebels against them.
Living with teenagers

Once your child becomes a teenager, you'll find you have an interesting companion to chat to and share ideas with. You may even discover a new zest for life from the enthusiasm and energy of your teenager - all that optimism can be infectious.

Wise parents learn to respect their children as the adults they'll soon become, while still understanding they may sometimes want to behave in a younger way.

This can be puzzling but, just as in the toddler years, your teen is torn between going all out for independence and swinging back to the familiar security of an earlier age. During stressful times, it can be all too easy to forget that inside your argumentative teenager is your tender child.
Adolescent identity

Throughout his teens, your child is developing his identity. He may lack confidence and worry about his looks, body and the strange feelings and thoughts he's experiencing. This is why teenagers often retreat to their rooms or spend hours in the bathroom.

Remember - he's sorting things out for himself, not rejecting you. For him, growing up involves demonstrating how different he is from the adults around him. He needs to find ways of expressing this difference; he may disagree with everything you say, for example.
You're still needed

Don't forget your teenager still needs you and, underneath it all, cares about your opinions. If you understand and accept that some conflict is inevitable, you'll be better prepared for it.

And remember, living with an older sibling who's struggling with adolescence can be tough, too. It's important not to forget a younger child's needs by getting too caught up in battles with your adolescent.

Don't be upset if your teenager sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - meeting friends outside to avoid them seeing you, or not letting you know about a school event because they don't want you to attend. This is very common and, in spite of it all, they still love you.

Your confidence may be knocked by your child's adolescence, and you might feel unsure about how to deal with many of the problems. You may be deeply upset and uncertain how to react when you see your teen pull away. If you feel it's becoming unbearable, talk with him rather than ignoring his behaviour. And always try to offer emotional support, no matter how difficult it may feel.

Your support is still essential throughout the teenage years and can have a protective effect as your teen moves towards adult life.

Sexual health and your teen

Your teen's developing sexuality can mean a difficult time for you all, and your support and advice is needed to help relationships develop in a safe and mature way.

Generally, girls reach puberty approximately six months to a year earlier than boys.

Each gender has to cope with different experiences. Girls have to come to terms with menstruation and growing breasts, while boys have to cope with wet dreams and emerging beards.

Your teen will need information from you as well as the opportunity to talk about any anxieties they might have. Avoid talking about the changes they're going through in a humorous way; it may not be appreciated by your sensitive teen.
Sexual relationships

While the media may give the impression that teenagers have busy sex lives, the truth's quite different. The majority of young people have sex in a lasting relationship.

Recent figures show that only 25 per cent of young women and 30 per cent of young men under the age of 16 have had sex.

If more adolescents knew this, they'd probably feel less pressured into starting sexual relationships during the early teenage years.
Risky behaviour

There are obvious risks involved in sexual behaviour such as pregnancy or the possibility of your child catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

While fear of HIV/AIDS is less acute than it was during the 1980s, it’s still a risk for anyone who is sexually active. And the incidence of STIs, such as chlamydia and herpes among young people has increased dramatically over the past decade.

* Make sure you know what sex education your teen is getting at school and how to fill in the gaps yourself by providing information and advice on the subjects not covered in these lessons
* Offer to go with your teen to the doctor or sexual health clinic to discuss any issues about contraception if you think this is appropriate
* Make sure they know about STIs and how to stay safe
* Support them as they deal with the emotions of relationships
* Try to accept your teenager may not have the same values as you when it comes to sex, but that such differences are an inevitable part of your child growing up into a healthy adult

Risky behaviour

Some teenagers seem to be determined to take risks. How should you react?

A small minority of teenagers seem almost addicted to taking risks. They may steal cars, drive too fast, destroy property or even cross railway lines to spray graffiti.

Boys are more likely to be involved in these sorts of activities, which are often seen as macho or a passport to adulthood.

If your child's behaving in this way, you need to make it clear you don't condone it and that he must face up to, and be responsible for, his actions. But it's also important to continue to give him your love and support.
Smoking

The first cigarette behind the bike shed is often seen as an introduction to adolescence and many teenagers experiment with smoking. But nicotine is extremely addictive.

How to help your teenager avoid smoking:

* If you smoke, give up - children from non-smoking homes are much less likely to take up the habit
* Explain that it's better never to start smoking as it can lead to addiction
* Remind your teenager how expensive smoking is
* Talk about the dangers to health (although teenagers are often unconcerned about this)
* If your teenager smokes regularly, keep an open discussion going, encouraging him to give up rather than trying to force the issue
* Many people, adults included, take up smoking because they find it relieves stress, so if this is the case with your teen, help him find other ways of relieving stress


Staying out late

Getting teenagers to come home at a reasonable hour can be a major battle, but it's important young people are able to begin making judgements for themselves about what's safe.

It's sensible to know where your teen will be. "I hope you have a great time, leave me a number in case of emergencies" is likely to get a better response than "You're not leaving until I know exactly who you'll be with and where."

If rules are reasonable and explained, most teenagers tend to cooperate. If this doesn't work, it's time to state your boundaries. If they're not met, introduce sanctions such as being grounded.
Drug taking

Taking drugs allows teenagers to get high or to shut out the real world, and many teenagers try something at some point.

Drug addiction is, however, much less common. Teenagers who go on to use hard drugs or become addicted are often lacking something in their lives, perhaps they have an unhappy home situation, overwhelming pressure from school or friends, or low self-esteem.

Many adults rely on alcohol, tranquillisers or antidepressants to help them cope with life's pressures. It's important to think carefully about the pills you pop or the socially acceptable drugs you use regularly. Remember, you lead by example.

Your doctor can put you in touch with local drugs and addiction agencies, for support and advice, if you feel you need more information and help.
Alcohol

Excessive drinking can have devastating consequences for young people.

If your teenager sees you regularly drinking heavily or getting drunk, he may be less likely to be cautious about it himself.

It's most important to stress to teenagers that they should never drink and drive, or take a lift from someone who's been drinking. Remind them how dangerous it is, as well as the fact that it's illegal.

If your teenager comes home drunk, there's no point in creating a scene at the time, it's probably better to make sure he drinks some water and gets to bed safely.

However, it's vitally important to talk to him about it the next day. Don't overreact but explain that sticking to just a couple of drinks means you enjoy the occasion safely.

Your teen also needs to know that someone who has become unconscious or incapable through drink is at grave risk - far more accidental deaths are caused in this way than by drugs. Ensure they know to get help if they are with someone in this state.

Contacting the police or the ambulance service, or getting the victim to A&E without delay is vital.
Heavy drinking

Some teenagers drink very heavily and become dependent on alcohol. If you think your teen is developing an alcohol problem, take it very seriously and get help.
Drug and alcohol abuse

If you think your teenager is abusing drugs or alcohol:

* Talk to your child. Voice your fears and say that you sympathise. Do all you can to encourage him to share information. If he won't talk to you, try to find a relative or close friend he can talk with instead.
* Encourage your teenager to make sensible choices, by stressing the health risks involved rather than laying down the law or giving ultimatums. With drugs, remind him it's illegal behaviour that could lead to arrest and prosecution.
* Build your teenager's self-esteem by concentrating on the positive aspects of his life and keeping communication open. If you feel professional help is necessary, consult your GP or find an appropriate support group.
* Stress your love is unconditional and, even though you may be disappointed in the behaviour, you'll be there to support him no matter what.



Peer pressure

The negative impact of peer pressure can be strong - but are there positive influences on your teenager's life, too?

It's quite normal for teenagers to want to copy their friends - whether it's wearing certain clothes or listening to a particular type of music.

This can be hard for parents, who are used to having the major say in their child's life, but it's natural for young people to want to work out their own ideas, and in this regard, friendships become more important than ever.

For boys, friends act primarily as companions, people with whom they can play football, share a joke, hang out and listen to music. For girls, friends are people with whom they can share secrets and share worries and anxieties.

Many parents find friendships during adolescence worrying because they fear that friends will be a bad influence. But without them it's more difficult to learn about social skills and relationships.

Try to accept the key role that friends play, and find ways of encouraging rather than disapproving of the friends that your child brings home.
Responding to peer pressure

Not all teenagers respond in the same way to peer-group pressure: young people aged 11 to 14 appear to be more influenced by it than older teenagers, for example.

Some teenagers are simply more independent than others and can withstand pressure better. Research indicates that teenagers who receive little support at home are the most likely to be influenced by the peer group.

Parents and older siblings can provide ammunition to help a young person withstand pressure from friends or from the wider peer group.

For example, there may be pressure to engage in sexual behaviour earlier than your teenager wants - but good sex education at school, and strong support from family, can help resist it.

A good friend (or more) is also crucial and can help your teen get things in perspective. In the best of cases they may also be able to stand up together against the peer group; two people can resist pressure much easier than one.

Mental and emotional health in the teenage years

Can you help your teen cope with pressures during these years, and to spot the signs of something 'going wrong'?

Teenagers are more at risk of depression and other forms of mental and emotional difficulties than ever before - research shows that the incidence of mental illness in this age group has risen over the past generation or so, and teens are more at risk of attempted suicide than their parents were at the same age.

Keeping the lines of communication open between you and your child is an important way to ensure you can offer support, and to spot when outside or professional help is needed.

Triggers for stress, leading to anxiety and depression include:

* Exam pressure or other pressure at school
* Relationship difficulties
* Concerns about sexuality
* Bullying
* Worries about their appearance and self-worth


Handling failure

Problems can reveal themselves in eating disorders, suffered by both boys and girls; sleep disturbance; mood swings; lack of communication; a loss of enjoyment in life.

You can suggest to your teen they seek medical advice, but you can't force them to do so. An alternative first step could be to see the school nurse, or even a trusted teacher who might be able to encourage your child to speak to a doctor.

There may be young people's counselling services in your area, or specialist help with specific problems such as an eating disorder. If the heart of the issue lies with bullying or friendship difficulties, or exam pressure, the school should be able to suggest a strategy to help.

Handling failure

Trefor Lloyd

How teenagers react when things don't go according to plan is closely linked with how they deal with emotions generally. There are ways you can help to soften the blow.


Win some, lose some

Some teenagers take failure - whether in sport, exams or relationships - in their stride. Some others sulk for about 20 minutes - a very short-term crisis. However, if your child deals with failure in either way, puberty and becoming a teenager are unlikely to have a dramatic impact on the way they continue to deal with it.

In contrast, however, if your child's misery lasts a day or two, boxes of tissues are used up and doors are slammed a lot more than you'd like, then failure and adolescence are likely to be a combustible combination, and you'll need to help her deal with her emotions before you help her deal with failure effectively.
What's the problem?

Some parents think it's natural for a seven-year-old to get angry and kick out when seemingly small disappointments occur. But unless your child learns another response, she's likely to continue to get angry and kick out at 16, with a higher level of destruction.

Some teens - young men in particular - have a less developed range of emotional expression to call on. They may feel the full range, but have more difficulty with the subtleties.

Embarrassment, irritation and disappointment are more difficult to find an appropriate response to and, for some, anger is the main emotion shown.
Expression and your teen

Your teen may have difficulty identifying what she's feeling. You probably know when she's a bit upset, tired or irritated.

While feelings are natural, you might have to help your teen articulate them. Asking: "Are you a bit upset?" may help you both to identify the type and the extent of her feelings, and to find appropriate responses.

However, there are alternatives. Some young people - boys in particular - find rigorous activity, such as sport, allows them to 'cleanse' themselves of emotion. Others may walk the dog, fish or climb, which again allows them to chew over events, situations and disappointments. If this works, then the ability to articulate emotions is still useful, but less essential.

Reassure your teen your love and support does not depend on exam grades. If your teenagers don't get the grades they expected, help them to keep it in perspective - everyone has some setbacks in life, whether it's failing a driving test or an exam. They can always do resits. Reassure them you're behind them 100 per cent, and help them to review all the options.

Communication with your teen

Many parents are baffled when their cheerful, chatty child turns into a silent or argumentative teenager. Just how do you keep the conversation going?

Your teen has a growing need for privacy. He may find his thoughts and feelings confusing, so it's hardly surprising he wants to keep things to himself. He's sorting things out in his own mind, not rejecting you.

To a teenager, it seems that adults always find the right words. He may feel unable to do this, so when he appears sullen, it may be that he lacks confidence to express things in the right way.

Don't be upset if your child sometimes acts as though you're the most embarrassing person on the planet - this is very common and doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Effective communication

There are things you can do to make communication easier:

* Take your cue from your teenager - there's absolutely no point saying you want to talk, when he's rushing to get ready for a night out.
* Try to spend time alone with your teenager and go out somewhere if there aren't any opportunities at home.
* Share information about what's going on in your life, but only for as long as your teen seems interested.
* Use open questions that don't just need a yes or no response. For example, "How did the music lesson go?" rather than "Did you have a good day?"
* Don't use a chat as an opportunity to nag or tell off.
* Never put him down for his views or ideas; he needs your approval.
* Treat your teenager with respect, much as you would another adult.
* It's better to negotiate a solution than enforce your demands, so don't say, "I want your room cleaned up tonight," but "I'm getting really upset at the state of your room. When do you think you can tidy it up?"
* Use all the opportunities you can to communicate - for example, driving somewhere often leads to great conversations.
* Show you're genuinely interested when your teenager tells you things and stop what you're doing to listen.
* Don't overreact or fly off the handle if you don't like what you hear.


Things to avoid:

* Don't score points - like all of us, teenagers don't like being put down.
* Don't try to impose your ideas - he'll inevitably reject what you have to offer.
* Don't make snap judgements - listen to your teen before you jump to conclusions.


If there are really difficult issues you feel you have to talk about, such as bad grades or worries about risky behaviour, it's even more important to find a time when there are no external pressures and you're feeling calm. Using "I" statements always helps. Say, "I'm worried about the way your school work is slipping," not "You're doing really badly in school."

Explain your concerns calmly and listen carefully to his side of the story. It's fine to stress what you believe in and to be clear if there are any aspects of his behaviour you want him to change.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.


Career choices and your teen

The world's changing fast - the majority of young people will be in school until they're at least 18, there are no jobs for life and your child may change career several times. How can you help?

Time to go out into the big, bad world

Although career choices are important for some young people, they're not a matter of life and death.

In fact, most people don't get into a settled career until their mid-20s. If your child plans to be a doctor, lawyer or other professional, it's a long haul - as it always has been. For others, though, the route is likely to be much less predictable.

But before your child starts a career, they'll probably have further and higher education to consider.

Higher education costs money, which probably means a student loan, and students increasingly take part-time, often poorly-paid jobs to generate more cash.

In terms of post-university work, employers are increasingly looking for experience as well as academic qualifications. It's as important to build a body of experience as it is to make good career choices.
Implications for you

If your child doesn't seem to have any concrete future plans, here are some ideas you might find helpful:

* Don't worry yet - accept your child's career may be less predictable than your own.
* Inform yourself about the workplace - buy and read a careers book or talk to people in their early and mid-20s about their experiences.
* Support your child to learn to adapt to a changing world - your teen will need these skills to negotiate her working life, whichever career she chooses.
* Accept some people take longer than others to choose a career - some know at 11, others not until their mid-20s.
* Explore local professional careers services, within and outside of school and offer to go with your teen to seek advice.


This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.



Bullying

Bullying includes:

* Teasing and name-calling
* Spreading nasty rumours
* Abusive or threatening texts or emails, or posts (and even websites) on the internet
* Intimidation and violence


There are often differences of interpretation with some of this behaviour - what's considered gentle teasing by one child might appear as intimidation to another.
The effects of bullying

There's no doubt that for some children and young people, bullying - however defined - is the most stressful experience of their lives.

Some fear it so much they refuse to go to school or find excuses to avoid situations where bullying can occur.

At the most extreme level, bullying can on rare occasions lead to suicide or attempted suicide, so it must always be taken seriously.

Of course, children have to learnt to accept and even ignore a certain level of teasing, and parents need to provide support so the child can deal with this. But physical threats or continual taunting is distressing and should never be tolerated.
The victim

Some young people are more likely to be the victims of bullying than others. Those with an obvious physical characteristic, such as being overweight, can become targets, as can those with some form of disability. Those who are shy or diffident, or who find it hard to stand up for themselves, may also be vulnerable. Children who are gay or bi-sexual, or uncertain of their sexuality, or who are thought to be gay or bi-sexual by their peers, can suffer like this.

Victims of bullying often feel ashamed of what's happening and blame themselves. It's here that friends and important adults have a key role to play - bullying victims need support to see that it's not their fault and that something can be done to help them.
The bully

When bullying happens, most of the attention is focused on the victim. But we need to pay attention to the bully, too. Not all bullies are the same - research has shown there are differences between the ringleaders, the 'henchmen' and the silent observers, for example.

Bullies are often people who've been bullied or abused themselves, and may be vulnerable and angry. A lot can be done to help them deal with their pain and avoid taking it out on others.
Not all bullying happens at school

Most people assume that bullying happens exclusively at school, but it can happen elsewhere, such as online and sometimes at home, possibly by an older sibling.
What you can do

Adults can do an enormous amount to help, although sometimes it can be difficult to see how to proceed.

If your child is showing signs of stress and you aren't sure what's going on, bullying may be one possible cause.

All schools are required to have an anti-bullying strategy. As a parent, you can find out if this is working. If it isn't, get support from other parents to insist it does.

If you do find your child is being bullied, offer help but be sensitive - simply rushing to the school and demanding action isn't necessarily the best tactic. Young people are often anxious about any move a parent might make, and fear reprisals from the bullies if action is taken by the school.

The best thing to do is talk things over with your child and plan a strategy they're happy with. This may involve getting support from friends or other parents, a quiet talk with a trusted teacher or even thinking about changing schools.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.